The Flu Continues
Pull Up Your Goddamn Pants: Pants On Pants Edition

Things I Am Tempted To Order


I have seen a lot of daytime TV commercials from my sickbed. I'm tempted to order everything just to see if they work. A consumer reporter on our local news does this very thing, but I think it would be lots more fun to do it myself.

For example, Tag Away! This product will solve your annoying skin tag problems in a few short weeks. Just dab it on those nasty things -- no matter where they are -- and eventually they fall right off. How is this possible? I hear you cry. Well, it's a combination of all-natural herbs and oils. See?

Then there's the Sobakowa Cloud Pillow, which is apparently the best pillow in the whole entire world. This pillow's innards actually passed the egg test, where an egg was placed at the bottom of a tube of innards and a 10-pound weight was dropped on them. Amazing! The eggs do not break!

My favorite, though, is the Wax Vac, a dandy little machine that vacuums ear wax and dirt out of your ears. It comes with eight soft rubber color-coded tips! It has safety guard that prevents you from sticking it too far into your head! It's quiet! It has a powerful headlight!

The commercial reiterates, over and over, the dangers of using a cotton swab to clean your ears. It shows a stupid man digging in his ear with a swab and then hollering OW! when he stabs his brain. It has a colorful animation that shows how swabs push wax and goo farther into your earhole and then bump up against your eardrum and play a rapid tattoo. We even get an actual doctor telling us how using a swab is bad bad bad bad bad. By the way, kids love it.

And guess what? If you call within five minutes they double the offer! Yes,  you get two Wax Vacs, one for each ear. All for only ten bucks! (Plus processing and handling, of course.)

Who can resist that? On second thought, maybe I can.