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Not A Drop To Drink

The Road To Hell Goes Right Past The K of C Hall

Enough time has passed that I can now tell this story all over the vast and glorious internet.

Last summer SonnyeBoy backed up a fellow officer on a DUI call. It was very late at night (or very early in the morning, if you prefer) and Officer Buddy noticed a car zig-zagging all over Coastal Highway. Officer Buddy attempted to pull the car over, but the driver did not stop. The female driver wasn't trying to flee, as the car did not pick up speed or pull any evasive maneuvers, she just didn't stop.

The officer continued to follow the car. Finally, the driver turned up a street toward the ocean and stopped. Officer Buddy and SonnyeBoy pulled in behind.

The driver and passenger were two older ladies. The driver was in her late 60s; the passenger was in her early 70s.

They were both hammered. Shitfaced. Blotto.

As Officer Buddy conducted the field sobriety tests on the driver -- who was failing them in a most spectacular fashion -- another car pulled up behind SonnyeBoy. The driver jumped out and ran up to SonnyeBoy.

"Officer! Is everything all right?" he asked anxiously.

"Wait a minute -- what's your interest in this?" replied SonnyeBoy, answering a question with a question.

"I was with the ladies and I know they've had a little too much to drink. I was following them to make sure they got home safely. You see, they're sisters -- "

"Sisters? So what?" interrupted SonnyeBoy.

" -- of Mercy!" finished the guy.

"What? They're NUNS???" inquired SonnyeBoy.

"Yes! We were all up at the Knights of Columbus Hall in Fenwick Island and they sort of overindulged."

"Stay right here," requested SonnyeBoy, "Iet me talk to the arresting officer."

Officer Buddy was just about to handcuff Sister Mary Drunkard when SonnyeBoy whispered, "Um, I just found out that these ladies? Are nuns."

"NUNS??? JESUS CHRIST! I can't arrest a nun! I'll go to hell!" cried Officer Buddy.

SonnyeBoy and Officer Buddy were at a loss, trying to figure out an acceptable solution to this problem. Finally, they agreed that Officer Buddy would drive Sister Mary Drunkard and Sister Mary Soused to their hotel, while SonnyeBoy would follow in the cruiser, pick up Officer Buddy, and return to the scene to retrieve the other cruiser.

Whew. Hell avoided.

But Sister Mary Drunkard did receive a good talking-to from Officer Buddy, an order that requires her to take her driver's test again, just to ensure that she's roadworthy, and a good crack across the knuckles with a ruler.

(Just kidding about the ruler.)

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