Quit Fidgeting, Drew Barrymore
Quit Throwing Stuff Arou -- No, Don't!

Quit Killing People, Stone Cold Steve Austin

You know that Joe was a hero during my protracted bout with the Runnin' Shits, right?

How to repay him for his care and tenderness, his willingness to buy me Immodium and Italian Ice, his mad cleaning skillz? (Really, there's nothing hotter than a man in rubber gloves toting a spray bottle of Resolve.)

I'll tell you how. Go - with nary a complaint or whine - to see Stone Cold Steve Austin in The Condemned.

Considering what it is - a violent action movie jam packed with cliches and plot holes - it wasn't entirely sucktastic. You know how that goes, right?

They stretched out an hour-long plot into a two-hour movie with plenty of explosions, lots of muscles, and a thick coating of mud and blood. Stone Cold Steve Austin played a convicted murderer, except he wasn't a convicted murderer, he was a government agent who only killed really bad bad guys. The really bad bad guys all died horrible deaths, the morally wishy-washy guy died a horrible death, the sleazy bitch died a horrible death, the morally corrupt crew died horrible deaths, and the uber-bad guy died a particularly gruesome and horrible death.

Stone Cold's girlfriend with the two kids under 6 who needed no care looked appropriately horrified and sorrowful as she watched Stone Cold apparently die two or three different horrifying deaths (but not really); the uber-bad guy's girlfriend who developed a conscience looked appropriately horrified and disgusted and avoided dying a horrible death. The coldhearted government agents recovered their own consciences just in time to give Stone Cold a lift home, and the journalist lectured everyone on the immorality of what they were watching. It all ends with a smile.


I got the Senior Citizen's discount on my ticket. Talk about condemned!