Red Nose

Ten Things That Happened Lately

1. The women's restroom at work has completely self-contained stalls with real live doors, tiny rooms containing a toilet, paper, and a generous helping of claustrophobia. It also has motion sensor lights. This is a bad combination, as I found out when I was sitting in one of the stalls and the lights no longer detected me. So -- I found myself in a tiny compartment in the pitch dark. Fun!
2. We had some repairs done to the outside of the house to appease the Garden Police. They'll find something else to complain about, I'm sure, but for now we're once again good little Stepford neighbors.
3. Twice now I have set up the coffee in the morning -- filled up the maker with water, measured out the coffee -- and forgotten to turn on the pot. Damn.
4. I updated Quicken last night with a couple items, then checked our bank balance online. They matched exactly! Even though I always balance the checkbook, I think that's the first time that's ever happened to me, ever.
5. I got two new dresses, one from Eddie Bauer and one from Igigi, and they both fit perfectly. I think that's also the first time that's ever happened to me, ever.
6. Gas in DC is now over $4.00 a gallon -- good thing I never buy gas in DC. The last time I filled up my tank it cost over $50.00. Fifty. Godddamn. Dollars. And yes, I am going to pull out a goddamn baby boomer memory, to wit: I was running on fumes one day way out in the country many long years ago -- like 1972. I was also pretty broke. I dug around the seat cushions and scared up a grand total of 50 cents (yes, 50 cents) and was able to get enough gas to get home -- about 15 miles.
7. I have been having extremely vivid dreams lately. Last night I dreamed I was announcing the seventh game of the Stanley Cup finals; I was in Pittsburgh and wondering how I was going to manage it, since I had never done it before. Luckily, I woke up before the puck dropped.
8. Joe and I spotted a raccoon loping along the grassy area near our house. In broad daylight. Out in the open. Hmm.
9. I finally weaned myself off hormone replacement pills, and I have had a couple wicked hot flashes since then. But only a couple, and I think I'm over them. About damn time, too.
10. I'm hungry. Time for some supper and the latest episode of my guilty pleasure.

Ten Things About The Last Five Days

Life has been happening at an alarming rate over the last few days:

1. We're refinancing our house. So much for selling it -- our window of opportunity slammed right down on our fingers for that -- but refinancing? A good thing, especially since Mr. Bernancke keeps cutting rates. The thing about the mortgage racket is that every time you think you've sent in every last possible piece of paper about your entire financial life -- because there's no such thing as "low-doc" mortgage loans anymore -- the loan officer finds one more missing tidbit. I have been up to my ears in files and paper and faxes and phone calls, but I'm hopeful that it will all coalesce into a nice new mortgage by the end of the week.

2. SonnyeBoy got himself a big old fat promotion! He is now a Patrolman First Class. I always knew he was first class, but he had to take a test to prove it to the Powers That Be. In a lovely piece of synchronicity, the promotion became official on St. Patrick's Day. Slainte!

3. Guinness Draft in bottles is really quite excellent.

4. Especially when combined with Thin Mints.

5. I was about to write about Mom being in pretty good shape, but I just got a phone call from the nurse telling me that her blood count is very low. She will have to have a couple pints of blood transfused into her system over the next couple of days. Sigh.

6. I am in terrible shape. I went for a two-mile walk (WALK!) at lunchtime today, and had to ask my compadres to slow down a little. This is a little horrifying.

7. But! Two-mile walk! Good thing! More to come, too -- I signed up for the yearly "Hike to Health" here at work. In my case, however, it's more like a Stumble to Sleepiness.

8. I got my car serviced -- the 100,000 mile checkup. So I now have clean oil and good hoses and all that. I am supposed to get the timing chain replaced right about now, but that puppy is $1,000. I have better uses for $1,000 at the moment, but I will get it done fairly soon. I know that if I don't, my Carma will kick in and the timing chain will shit the bed at night in the pouring rain on the interstate.

9. C-A-P-S Caps! Caps! Caps! My boys beat the Thrashers on Friday night and the Bruins on Sunday afternoon, two stellar games with amazing plays, especially Cookie's breakaway for a shorty against the Thrashers. Woo!

10. Spring is really gearing up around here. The pink cherry blossoms are blossoming; the red buds are budding; the daffodils are daffing. I have hope.

Ten Things About The Oscars

I watched every damn minute of the 80th Academy Awards last night. Given that I haven't seen any of the movies that were nominated for Best Picture and that I didn't participate in any Oscar pools this year, it's not surprising that I wasn't particularly invested in who won what. Nope -- it was the dresses and the people and the show that drew me in, so here are ten things about that stuff.

1. None of the critics like the montages, but I am a just a squishy little sucker for them. I liked all of them, even the bee one.
2. But really, Jerry Seinfeld, enough. Let it bee. (Bzz, bzz, ouch!*)
3. Tilda, honey, the corpse look is not flattering, especially when the pallor is emphasized by the black velvet lunch sack. I did think the acid-trip acceptance speech was amusing, though.
4. George Clooney, The Rock, and Patrick Dempsey: Yum, yum, and yum.
5. Jennifer, when your tits reach the podium ten minutes before you do, it's time to reconsider the dress.
6. Helen Mirren is my idol. Ruby Dee is too.
7. I loved all the songs -- yes, even the ones from Enchanted -- but I was thrilled when Falling Slowly won. I was even more thrilled when Jon Stewart insisted that Marketa Irglova have a chance to do her acceptance speech. And Glen Hansard has a swell brogue.
8. Jon Stewart, sweetheart, this wasn't your best appearance, but that's okay. Bob Hope's still a tough act to follow.
9. As a gal who generally loves long hair on men, I must admit that I wanted to grab Daniel Day-Lewis and Colin Farrell and slap them both in a barber chair. But there are limits -- what was with the Ken doll flocking hair on John Travolta?
10. Thank you and good night!

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*Two pats on the head to the first person who can identify the song that contains this lyric. Bonus pat for the "artist."

Meatacon: It's What's For Dinner

So to continue the recap, here are 10 things about Meatacon!

1. Sleigh rides in the snow are pretty magical. Cold, but magical.

2. Of course, The Doctor is there to help warm you up.

3. You can always sit on the throne at the Green Bay Winter Carnival.

4. The food: brats, booyah, fluff! Steaks you grill all by yourself! Texas Toast that I burnt all by myself! (And then I did it right.)

5. Cherry wine and cream sherry, thanks to Tom and Susan.

6. The people are amazing! Old friends, new friends, young friends, true friends.

7. Raffle! We raised $410.00 for a local soup kitchen. What a great way to spread the joy. I donated a copy of Girl Clown -- I will admit that I was nervous that no one would want it, but what a silly feeling that was -- and Susan won it! Yay!

8. The proper footwear is important.

9. As is the proper headwear.

10. And, of course, there was the Vibrator Race at that very very very Bad Bar.

Ten Things About This Christmas Season

Well, it's not quite the twelve days of Christmas, but here are ten things about this Christmas:

1. It was not white. Oh, we've had white Christmases around here, but normally we don't. In fact, this Christmas was fairly warm -- in the 50s, if you please!

2. As usual, Joe was first up. He's always been the first one up in our household, even when SonnyeBoy was little. He did wait until 7:30 to wake us, though!

3. The Egg and Muffin Toaster continues to work perfectly. In fact, I bought English muffins at the store yesterday, and the egg produced by the poacher is the exact size of the English muffin. Perfection abounds.

4. I saw four movies today: The Devil Wears Prada, Dreamgirls, For Your Consideration, and The Life of Brian. This only one I hadn't seen before was For Your Consideration, another silly, inspired Christopher Guest piece.

5. Hurray for Fawlty Towers!

6. SonnyeBoy offered to demostrate his EVOC (Emergency Vehicle Operator's Course) instructor skills to me as we were driving the other day, but I was too big of a wimp to take him up on it.

7. Joe has to work on New Year's Day. Bah.

8. I actually made gravy from scratch for Christmas dinner! I've watched Mom create delicious gravy from the pan drippings, flour, and Kitchen Bouquet forever, but I wasn't quite brave enough to wing it my first time out. So I grabbed the good old Joy, and looked up a recipe for easy brown gravy, and we had butter, flour, chicken broth, and Worcestershire sauce, and yay! Gravy! Who knew?

9. I love everything that I got for Christmas!

10. Tomorrow I'm going to make dinner reservations for New Year's Eve. I'm not completely sure where yet, but I know it will be good. We'll eat out, then come on home and raise a glass at midnight. Then, we will smooch.

Ten Things About Today

1. My Caps are behind, 2-1, to the goddamn Rangers. It's still the first period though, and Ovi zoomed a slapshot right into Henrik Lundquist's... never mind. I wish no one ill. Except maybe Jagr.
2. I finally figured out how to get the text onto my holiday cards so that they fold up properly! Now... sign, stuff, stamp, mail. Whew. This card bidniss is exhausting.
3. The FNG* is a cube talker. You know -- the type of person who just speaks up to you in his/her cube and expects you to answer. I am not used to talking over walls to disembodied voices; I find it disconcerting. But we're moving to a different building and different cube configuration next week, so it may be a nonissue.
4. Sometimes you just need some egg drop soup.
5. And a beer. Flying Dog Pale Ale is quite nice.
6. There is no... item 6.**
7. You know what would make a great holiday gift? Sure you do.
8. Best educational and charitable boredom buster ever: Free Rice.
9. Joe just refilled my coffee. What a guy!
10. When I got home, I made the bed. See, if we don't make the bed for a couple of days, the covers get all cattywumpus, and there's just no telling what will happen after that!

* FNG = Fuckin' New Guy
** Thanks, Monty Python. (Except in their version it's Rule 6.)

Ten Things That Annoyed Me Today

The days are noticeably shorter lately, and will get even shorter still this weekend with the return of standard time. This decrease in daylight corresponds directly to an increase in my being annoyed. Let's take today, for example.

• It's raining, which means every driver in the greater metropolitan area drank a great big glass of stupid juice for breakfast, turning my commute into a two-hour jaunt through the fifth circle of Hell.
• My windshield wipers don't wipe, they smear.
• I neglected to eyeball the toilet seat in the women's restroom, with predictable dampening.
• Microshaft Word insists on continuously numbering the numbered lists in the user guide I'm writing, despite the fact that the style specifies that each list should start at 1. Every time I fix it, and save after every fix, and save and save and save, it still reverts to continuous numbering. I believe that this is because Word, like Skynet, has become self-aware and is evil.
• There are no more pink Starburst in the group candy jar.
• Neither are there Hershey bars in the candy machine.
• While I am enamored of the Asian salad that's available at My New Starbucks, the adorable black and white sesame seeds with which it is generously sprinkled tend to leap out of the container and scatter themselves recklessly over my shirt and lap.
• My bangs are still too goddamn long, even though I told my new stylist to cut them above my eyebrows. (I seem to be the Typhoid Mary of this salon -- every stylist I've had there has either changed careers or locations.)
• My socks were just a tiny bit too thick for my shoes.
• The Caps cannot seem to score on the power play. C'mon, boys, c'mon!

Grumble, grumble.

But I don't have horrendous fires licking at my heels, and Joe came downstairs shirtless to meet me this evening, and we had clam chowder for dinner, and David Steckel just scored his first professional goal.

Maybe I'm not quite as annoyed as I thought I was.

Ten Things About SonnyeBoy

1. He has a brown belt in karate.

2. He recently let an underage, drunken girl yell at him for one minute, while she was in custody and before she took the intoximeter test. He was asking if she would consent to the test when she said, "I just want to yell at you for a minute." Being the accommodating man that he is, SonnyeBoy said, "Okay, you have one minute, starting now." And the chick proceeded to spew all sorts of invective at him, along the lines of "I hate you! You should catching real criminals! You're just a power hungry prick bastard who likes to pick on girls. I HATE YOU!" At the end of the minute, SonnyeBoy cut her off and asked if she'd consent once again. She meekly said "Yes" and blew a .19. (The legal limit in Maryland is .08.)

3. Because I would not buy him toy guns, he made his own rocket launcher out of a shipping tube, a toilet paper roll, and lots of tape. He was about six at the time.

4. He made the Dean's List every semester that he was in college.

5. In ninth grade, he grew five inches in four months.

6. He read "The Great Gatsby" before I did, then recommended it to me. I was a little bit embarrassed about that.

7. He writes a hell of a police report. In fact, he went to court a couple weeks ago to testify as the arresting officer in a DUI case. (The dude was hammered. When SonnyeBoy found a bat under the seat of the car, the dude actually said that he used to beat up people. I mean, how dumb do you have to be?) The defense attorney turned out to be one of the premier attorneys in Howard County, well known for his ability to get his clients off. When he greeted SonnyeBoy, he said, "We already put in a guilty plea. I read your report and you didn't leave me any wiggle room."

8. He's really cute.

9. And single.

10. And today is his 26th birthday. Happy birthday, SonnyeBoy!

Ten Things Not About My Mother

I am way too tired to write more about Mom, so here are ten things that are not about her.

1. Joe has a new job! He's now a purveyor of fine tobacco products. He's working in a local cigar store and is fast becoming very learned on the subject of stogies. His shirts smell wonderful when he gets home; fresh and pungent and rich.

2. I have always loved the smell of a good cigar. This fondness dates back to my childhood. My Pop's best friend, John Hickey, always smoked a big fat cigar. He was so much fun; making jokes and playing little pranks, that I have always associated the smell of cigars with delightful times.

3. I have never, however, actually smoked a cigar. I might have to try one, though. Joe tells me they have vanilla-flavored cigars at the shop.

4. I have smoked other things.

5. But I never did get into the habit of smoking cigarettes. When I was 13, my Pop left a cig burning in the ashtray while he went to get a beer. I seized the opportunity to take a great big drag off it, pulling that Viceroy smoke all the way down to my toes. I then proceeded to hack up my lungs. I'm quite sure Pop knew exactly what happened, but I guess he figured that I'd suffered enough. I never had the least desire to smoke cigarettes again.

6. I'm getting a haircut this afternoon. I'm thinking about going shorter than usual, but it might reveal more of my grey than I'd like. I may have to take care of that soon.

7. I'm also thinking about taking in a movie this evening, but I should probably pay bills and balance the checkbook instead. Well, there's always Lawnorder.

8. Speaking of beer, Sam Adams Black Lager is pretty good; reminds me of Guinness. It always takes me awhile to drink those dark beers, but it's worth it for the mellow feeling I get from them.

9. I'm jonesin' for some St. Andre cheese.

10. When I'm hot, sweaty, and a tad depressed, a Coke Slurpee really hits the spot.

Ten Things I Would Like To Do This Weekend

We are staying home this weekend.

Whew.

I have been down in the dumps this week, hungover from taking care of Mom, worrying about my job, and coping with some odd form of menopausal PMS. I do believe that it was mostly from the hormones though, because I felt much more sanguine yesterday and I'm feeling pretty good today.

But really! PMS when I haven't had a period in months! So. Not. Fair. Kind of like getting zits in your thirties, when the only thing that kept you going in your teens was the reassuring thought that once you hit adulthood the zits would be gone for good.

Hmph.

Anyway, the thought of an unstructured weekend is simply delicious, and I have been thinking about what I will do with all that time, so here, in no particular order, are Ten Things I Would Like To Do:

1. Sleep late, and by "late" I mean, oh, 8:00 am.
2. See at least one movie. I would like to see Hairspray, or Harry Potter, or The Simpsons. I do not want to see El Cantante, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, or I Know Who Killed Me. I could settle for Live Free or Die Hard, Transformers, or The Bourne Ultimatum (but only because of Matt Damon).
3. Play a lot of Snood.
4. Take a few naps.
5. Buy Harry Potter and Lean Mean Thirteen. (I have a coup'n for 30% off!)
6. Read them.
7. Eat ice cream in some form, several times.
8. Do the Dance of Love.
9. Scrapbook my pictures from last September's trip to Chicago.
10. Succeed at simpsonizing myself. (I got very close once this week, only to have the site freeze up at the very, very end.)

You will notice that there is nothing about exercising, bill paying, house cleaning, or dejunkifying. So there.