Red Nose

Ten Things I Will Do On My Vacation

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First, a public service announcement. Eileen gets two pats on the head for correctly completing the poem, but Stephanie gets one pat on the head for correctly identifying the author. The complete poem, by Ogden Nash, is called Reflections on Ice-Breaking, and here it is in its entirety.

Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.

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One more day. One more damn day and I am on vacation for two weeks, two weeks in which I will do at least these ten things.

1. Visit Mom a lot. She has been quite agitated the last couple of days, mixed with delusional. Once again she thinks that the staff has been beating her. It is so sad.

2. Get my hair cut. It is getting stringy and flat, and it looks like crap. I may have to settle for going to Hair Butchery, but que sera, sera.

3. Cook a turkey, fix stuffing, make a pie, and do assorted other cooking.

4. Wrap some presents and place them under the tree.

5. Go to my sister's for Christmas Eve dinner and family time. I will laugh a lot there and I might even drink a little something.

6. Do my best to pull together the five billion pieces of paper that the Maryland Department of Health and Human Services require to approve Mom for Medicaid.

7. Kiss my husband and spoil my son.

8. Go to three hockey games!

9. Clean the house. Maybe.

10. Have a Merry Christmas, yes I will.

Ten Things About Thanksgiving

Happy Day After Thanksgiving! Here are ten things about our holiday.

1. The holiday got off to a fine start Wednesday night as my Caps beat the Sabres 2-0. Ovie and Fehrsie scored and Varly stopped every shot he faced. Way to go, boys!

2. We spent much of the day in our pajamas.

3. We broke with tradition. Rather than watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, we watched the Fred and Ginger marathon on TCM. You can't go wrong with Fred and Ginger! Flying Down to Rio is pretty saucy for its time, what with half-nekkid girls perched on airplane wings getting their tops blown hither and yon. 

4. I cooked nothing. No, I tell a lie. I heated up some soup and made some Bisquick biscuits for lunch.

5. I visited Mom for a little while. When I arrived she was struggling to drink some ice tea -- she didn't have a straw, so most of the tea was on her bib and the bed. I helped her out with that and alerted the staff, who cleaned her up. She was pretty sleepy the whole time, but we had a good visit.

6. Joe and I went to Annapolis to my cousin's place for dinner, and boy what a dinner it was! My cousin's wife is a fabulous cook. Roast turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet and sour carrots, sauerkraut, roasted brussels sprouts, rolls and butter, gravy, cranberry relish, pumpkin pie, wine, and coffee. I'm probably forgetting something, but it was a stellar feast for sure.

7. Roasted brussels sprouts are delicious! Normally I am not a brussels sprouts kind of gal, but these were good -- roasted with cloves of garlic, an asian-y sauce, and a bit of olive oil. I will have to get the recipe. (Of course, having the recipe is no guarantee that I will fix them.)

8. SonnyeBoy had dinner with his girlfriend's family. She is a lovely girl, so I am okay with this. Besides, I'll see him this weekend.

9. By the time we got home, the Fred and Ginger marathon was over, but the Pawn Stars marathon was on. Woo!

10. It's been cloudy and cold and misty for several days, including Thanksgiving, but somehow that didn't put a damper (sorry) on the day. 

Now I'm getting ready to head to the beach with my sister and brother-in-law, where we will winterize and close up the house. I'm looking forward to $2.00 electric bills!

Ten Good Things

I think, on this day of killing and horror, that I need to think about good things lest the world go dark.

So... here are ten good things.

1. I got a promotion. I'm going to manage a team in my group, a team of two (including me) and I get to hire the other one.  I'll be in charge of the curriculum for a subject area with which I'm familiar, but not by any means expert. A promotion is good!

2. But that's okay, because it means I get to learn new stuff! Learning is good!

3. Also, this promotion included a raise -- a petite raise, to be sure, but a raise is a raise is a raise and it is good!

4. Mom continues to hold her own. The hospice social worker visited her the other day and reported that she was "perky." Normally I am not a fan of the perky, but in this case perky is good!

5. I am not irrevocably behind in my word count for Nanowrimo. I will catch up this weekend, and that is good!

6. Taking public transportation means that I am walking more. Walking is good, too.

7. No cavities! Good!

8. The weekend is supposed to be warmer, and sunny. So good.

9. The Office and 30 Rock were so, so funny this week. I laughed a lot. Laughing is good, good, good.

10. It's Friday, and that is good.

Hope your life is full of good too!

Ten Things About Jury Duty

Tuesday I reported to the Montgomery County Judicial Center to fulfill my civic responsibility as a juror. Here are ten things about that experience.

1. It rained that morning, so traffic was fucked. Of course, I had to be across the county by 8:30 am. I made it, but not by much.

2. The "Welcome to Jury Duty" orientation and video was good. Among other things, I learned that "voir dire" means "to see and to hear". (I already knew it, but what the hey. I'm sure there were folks who did not.)

3. The juror's lounge had free Wi-Fi. However, it was really slow and Twitter was blocked. Damn!

4. I got called to a courtroom shortly before noon. The courtroom was kind of small, but round, with comfy chairs. 

5. The judge's first name was Durke. His last name was not Diggler. He explained everything to us again ("voir dire" means "to see and to hear"), told us that this was a criminal case, and introduced the people in the room. The defendant was accused of stealing three cars late last year. He reminded us, several times, that in our legal system an accused person is considered innocent until proven guilty, and it is up to the prosecution to prove its case. The defense does not have to do anything.

6. Voir dire (meaning "to see and to hear") took a long time. The judge asked the group (about 40 of us) a number of yes-or-no questions. If we could answer "yes", we had to stand, state our juror number, and tell why we answered yes. The judge would then ask a couple of follow up questions, one of which was always "Will this affect your ability to be fair and impartial and judge this case based on the evidence?"

7. I answered "Yes" to two questions. One was whether I or any member of my immediate family had a connection to law enforcement. (Hi SonnyeBoy!) The other was whether I or any member of my immediate had been a defendant, witness, or victim in a criminal proceeding.

8. Most of the folks who stood in answer to the second question said stuff like, "I've had my house burgled" or "My wallet was stolen." But if anyone did not feel comfortable explaining their "Yes" answer in front of the other prospective jurors, he or she could approach the bench and explain privately. A lot of folks did -- I suspected they were telling the judge that they'd been popped for DUI or something similar. I thought about doing that when I answered that second question, but then I decided that I was not ashamed of my answer and that people need to be aware that these things happen. So when the judge asked me what had happened, I said, "In 1972, I was gang raped." A couple people gasped. The judge was cool though. He allowed as how that was a serious crime; did I feel that it would affect...? I said, "No, I think I can be fair and impartial."

9. Then the first 12 prospective jurors were called up to sit in the jury box (which wasn't actually a box, just two rows of comfy chairs). Each of us had to stand, and the defense and prosecution got to decide to swear us as jurors or excuse us from service. The defense attorney didn't hesitate with me -- "Excused!" he said.

10. It was the easiest $15 bucks I'll ever make.

Ten Things In No Particular Order

1. We got a new refrigerator! Our old one was 21 years old and finally decided to retire. At least it gave us some notice. So we went to the Big Orange Box store and picked out a basic fridge -- no icemaker, no water/crushed ice/frozen margarita dispenser (although I would have totally gone for a frozen margarita dispenser) -- for $459 bucks. We've never bought a new fridge, so I was overly excited over the clear drawers and the deep door shelves. And it's all nice and white!

2. We went to a hockey game! Yes, in July! It was the Dave Fay memorial game. It was great fun for a great cause. And what could be better than hockey in July?

3. We took Mom to lunch today. There were no tables available in the main dining room of the place she likes, so we sat in the bar. However, the tables and chairs in there are the tall bar variety, so Joe and I had to actually lift Mom up and plop her on the seat. But she ate two cups of soup and a mozzarella stick and various pieces of my salad. She's like a bird, perched on a chair, picking and pecking.

4. I am entirely too fond of cake shows.

5. The posters on the TWOP forum for True Blood have been complaining about a lack of action. Boy oh boy, tonight's episode sure made up for that!

6. Lists work. I should make more of them.

7. Speaking of Mom, she has decided that she wants dental implants and veneers because her perfectly acceptable teeth and partials are "not pretty", so she called her dentist and made an appointment. Then she forgot what day the appointment was, and then she fogged out on the appointment itself. I called the dentist and had a delightful conversation with the nurse, so we're all squared away. She's definitely going to the dentist, she'll have a cleaning, and the dentist will gently let her know that implants and veneers are expensive, painful, and a bad investment if you're 98.

8. I made cupcakes! Because I made the frosting with lemon extract that is more like straight alcohol with a slight tinge of lemon, Joe calls them buzzcakes.

9. I got the checkbook squared away.

10. Finally, a Public Service Announcement regarding my last post. Like President Obama, I could have calibrated my words differently. In short, my brother does not think Buddy Holly is hardcore.

Ten Tips For A Great Beach Vacay

Here are ten tips to help you get the most out of your weekend at the beach:

Tip #1.

After a fun night of drinking and carousing, do not drive your car into the side of a building. If you do, remember to take the Mapquest printout with your hotel's address on it with you.

Tip #2.

You can get just as sunburned on a cloudy day as a sunny day. Believe me; I know.

Tip #3.

It's fine to wear your panda costume in public.

Tip #4.

While wearing your panda costume, do not run into stopped traffic and grind yourself against the cars. Come to think of it, don't that in any sort of garb.

Tip #5.

Sunscreen. Do not substitute baby oil.

Tip #6.

If you are hammered and don't want to wobble home, do not steal a truck from a hotel parking lot so that you can drive home.

Tip #7.

If you must steal a truck from a hotel parking lot to get home, do not steal a carpet cleaning truck with truck-mounted hoses, especially if the hoses are currently being used to clean the carpets in the hotel. It's pretty easy to find a truck that has several hoses flopping around and spewing water out of the back.

Tip #8.

If you ignore Tip #7, do not try to elude the police by driving the wrong way down the highway, because you will probably wreck the truck and annoy the officer who is following you.

Tip #9.

If you do wreck the truck, it's in your best interest not to run from or fight with the officer who is placing you under arrest, because the officer will be really really annoyed.

Tip #10.

A stay in the city jail is free. You, however, won't be. On the other hand, you won't need the sunscreen.

Enjoy your stay!

Chockey

Our trip to Hershey was just great! Here are ten things about it.

1. The weather started out cool and cloudy, but grew increasingly better as we drove.

2. We found the Fairfield Inn in Harrisburg very easily; for once Mapquest directions were right on the money.

3. Joe had brought his copy of the Midatlantic Brewing News with him; lo and behold, there were two brewpubs in Harrisburg! We debated calling for directions, but decided that we didn't want to take a chance on getting lost. Then, as we drove down I-83 South, there was a sign for Eisenhower Avenue, the address of the Lancaster Brewing Company! So, what the heck -- we took the exit and followed the sign to keep left, and bingo! There it was! The food was great and the beer sampler (ten 5-ounce glasses) was amazing. Nothing like a few puck sodas to get you ready for a game.

4. Hershey knows how to direct the unwashed mobs guests to the right venue in its huge entertainment complex. We rolled right into the Giant Center parking lot with 10,694 other people. We took our seats just as warmups started.

5. The Bears' mascot is named Coco. Of course he is!

6. The Bears won, 3-0!! Go Bears!!

7. The merge from US 322 onto I-83 is very confusing and rife with traffic. Not fun.

8. The next day, we headed back to Hershey to take in Chocolate World!

Chocolate World includes a free Disney-esque ride through a simulated chocolate factory (when I was teenager, you could tour the actual chocolate factory -- not anymore, alas) complete with animatronic singing cows. (I was far too amused by the singing cows.) Naturally, when the ride ended, you were guided right into the world's largest chocolate-themed gift shop, featuring every kind of chocolate goody that Hershey makes, all kinds of Hershey-product-logo'd apparel, tchotkes, ice cream, cookies, and cafe.

9. There were also three extra-fee attractions: Factory Works, where you could customize your own chocolate bar, the 3-D movie, and the Chocolate Tasting Adventure. Joe and I opted for the Chocolate Tasting Adventure -- it was so much fun! It's geared toward all ages and teaches you how to discern different flavor notes in the different types of chocolate. We got a bag with a bite-sized servings of milk chocolate Hershey bar, Special Dark, Bliss, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, a new cherry-filled Hershey Kiss, and a cinnamon-chocolate drink. We learned to look at the chocolate, listen to the sound as we broke the different chocolates (milk chocolate, soft; dark chocolate, snappy), and smell the aroma. Of course, the tasting was the best part.

10. So, to sum up: free hotel room, brewpub with excellent beer, terrific hockey game, and delicious chocolate. I'd say the weekend was a success!

Ten Good Things About This Mother's Day

1. I had the perfect card and a great gift for my Mom. The front of the card read, "Being a Mom is like being in the circus." The inside read, "You have to clean up big messes, something something I forget what, and your biggest helper is a clown." And the gift? A bag of peanut brittle that I picked up at the airport in Atlanta. Mom's been craving it, so there you go.

2. I slept until 9:30 this morning.

3. We had breakfast at Starbuck's -- a grande skim latte and a blueberry scone.

4. It was a most beautiful day. A cold front came through last night (we will not speak of last night) and cleared out the heat and humidity, paving the way for a sunny, dry, warm day.

5. Star Trek! What a great movie! (Joe saw it on Friday ALL BY HIMSELF, so his punishment for such a heinous act was to see it again with me today. He was not upset.) I really liked the flick. It had a really interesting plot, good acting, and lots of fun, inside jokes. I was especially happy that the actors played their characters sincerely and without a trace of camp or parody. The humor was perfect, based on character and situation, and the were plenty of alien monsters, explosions, and phaser fire. I loved all the actors, but especially Simon Pegg as Scotty.

6. Joe didn't want popcorn, so I got to have a bag all to myself. With butter flavored oil on top. Sue me.

7. We had lunch at a lovely, small, out-of-the-way restaurant called Iron Bridge Wine Company. They had a special Mother's Day deal consisting of an appetizer, entree, and dessert. I chose an artisinal cheese soup with a garnish of crispy fried leeks for my appetizer (delicious!), a grilled skirt steak on fried potatoes, sliced paper thin, and tempura green beans (delicious!), and chocolate mousse on top of a wee slab of dense chocolate fudge (unbelievably delicious!).

8. Did I mention the wine? Yum!

9. I checked the messages when we got home and (YAY!) there was a message from SonnyeBoy wishing me a happy mother's day. Right after I got the message, my cell phone buzzed with a text from SonnyeBoy wishing me a happy mother's day. Of course, I called him right back and we had a great conversation. I love talking to SonnyeBoy.

10.  SonnyeBoy told me to be on the lookout for a gift in the next couple of days! Oooh! Presents!!

Ten Things I Did Since Thursday

Since I last wrote in this space, I have:

1. Been furious at, sorry for, sympathetic to, irritated at, amused by, and worried about my mother. She's a one-woman emotional roller coaster!

2. Paid bills and balanced the checkbook. Yep, I balance the checkbook every month, down to the penny. It's the only way I can stay sane -- and keep any money in the bank!

3. Finished Bret Hart's memoir. Of course, he sets himself up as being the good guy -- it's his memoir, after all -- but really. Bret, Bret, Bret. I find it hard to be sympathetic to you when you basically fucked anything with a hole and a heartbeat while your wife raised your four kids for you. Still, his accounts of the weird world of professional wrestling is pretty fascinating; it reminds me of the circus, only without the pain.

4. Thought about getting a hair cut.

5. Canceled Mom's World Book Encyclopedia account. She bought the set of World Books over 50 years ago, I think, and has been keeping up with the year books ever since. There are now more year books than there are volumes in the basic set! Mom gave the whole shebang to my niece for her kids, who will likely look at them as quaint artifacts of a bygone age.

6. Wore summer pants! It has been hot around here -- in the 90s. So I was sitting on the bed thinking about getting dressed on Monday and feeling very unexcited about pulling on corduroys or thick knits when I rememberd -- I have summer pants! Even better? They were a little loose.

7. Almost gotten our latest crew of feral kitties to let me skritch them. One of them actually let me pet him, until he realized I was doing it. Then he freaked out and bolted.

8. Gotten my session picks together for STC conference. In a feverish burst of anal-retentiveness, I entered each session I was interested in attending into Outlook, then printed out the daily schedule. The only problem is that some time slots have three choices, alas.

9. Gotten caught up on The Office and The Tudors. Poor Queen Jane!

10. Screamed myself silly for my Capitals, both in person (Game 5) and in front my sister's TV (Game 6). The best part of Game 5? There were four best parts: Brads's two goals (one shorthanded!), Sasha's goal, and another unbelievable Ovie goal.

The arena was so loud at the end of the second period that the players didn't hear the horn and kept on playing! The best part of Game 6? Watching John Tortorella look more and more glum as he served his one-game suspension.

Tonight's the night! Game 7 -- do or die. LET'S GO CAPS!

Ten Things I Liked About This Week

Another week over -- where does the time go? Next week it'll be November and I'll be whining about how fast the summer went. How do I stop that? I don't know -- maybe by appreciating the days as the go flying by instead of wasting time trying to conquer the next level of Collapse on my cell phone.

Nah.

In any case, here are ten things that I liked about this past week.

1. Let's start with last Sunday and the Caps home finale! My sister and I went (Joe had another engagement) and we had a blast, especially as the Caps came back to win against the Thrashers.

2. Sticking with the Caps, I am also delighted that they have won two more games this week, cementing the second seed in the Eastern Conference. This is A Good Thing. One more game to go in the regular season; if they win that one, my boys will break the franchise record for wins and points. Let's go, Caps!

3. I made a difficult phone call and got voicemail. Hallelujah! I left a message. I have not gotten a call back. Hopefully I won't.

4. I finished up some STC work -- whew -- and then finished up some more STC work -- double whew. And I decided to resign one of my volunteer positions in the Society -- triple whew. I love the organization, but it's time to scale back a bit.

5. I participated in another damn corporate culture change thing. I am a skeptic when it comes to corporate culture changing; it seems like every CEO wants to change the corporate culture. So they spend lots of money on extensive surveys, analysis of the surveys, and then get the employees together for sessions where they rehash the results and ask for input and "actionable" plans for "operationalizing" the results. And then it's over and things continue just the way they did before. Anyway, I was a Good Employee and participated and gave my input. Maybe this time it will be different. Or not. I have a job that I enjoy and I'm grateful for that. (Wow. Vent much?)

6. I have been surprisingly productive at work. Why is it that the things you think will take -- oh, an hour, tops -- always take all damn morning? Regardless, I was productive, which is nice.

7. Speaking of productivity, I scrubbed the bathroom. Woo.

8. I made arrangements to borrow a wheelchair from Mom's assisted living home so that I can take her to a play tomorrow. The nearby theater center is running a show called "King of the Jews," and Mom is all over it because it's about the Holocaust. I was a little worried about the logistics, what with stairs and seats and getting in and out and restrooms and the like. But the show is in the small experimental theater; the entrance leads straight to the front row. I was able to get two seats in the front row, right next to the handicapped seats. The wheelchair will make everything even easier. I'm bringing in taco salads from Wendy's for lunch, then we're off to the theatah!

9. I've been pretty good on cutting back on salt, caffeine, and alcohol. Sigh.

10. However, I believe in moderation in all things, including moderation, so I stopped at Trader Joe's on my way home and picked up some ginger beer to go with my Black Seal rum. I am now enjoying a delicious Dark and Drizzly.