Red Nose

New TV To Me

Since I've been sick for most of December, I haven't really felt like being very active. Instead, I've been watching a shitpile of TV. In doing so, I found some great shows that I've totally overlooked!

First I found The Big Bang Theory. Reruns are on after The Simpsons reruns, and one night I just didn't switch channels. I'm glad I didn't! I love the four brainy nerdy scientists! Of course they are all completely stereotyped, but I gotta say that I know people like them. (Yes, including Sheldon.) Luckily I can catch up on previous seasons through syndication, and follow the new season. It debuts tonight!

And how in the world have I missed out on Portlandia? I think it's the best sketch comedy show since Kids in The Hall, and I adored Kids in the Hall. Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein are fantastic! I love the many characters and the situations. I have definitely been to the DC version of the feminist bookstore, and watched crafty shows like Put a Bird on It! I'm going to keep up with this one, for sure.

Finally, I've gotten into a whole host of shows since the new WETA-UK started up. WETA-UK is a new channel on our cable system that features all British TV. There's a lot of my old favorites, like Fawlty Towers, the Vicar of Dibley, and To the Manor Born, but I also discovered shows I'd never seen before. There are comedies like Outnumbered and My Hero, and dramas like Foyle's War and Wallender.

So now I have lots to watch -- should keep me occupied until the next seasons of Game of Thrones and True Blood. Too bad I have to go back to work next week!!

 

Things I Am Tempted To Order

I have seen a lot of daytime TV commercials from my sickbed. I'm tempted to order everything just to see if they work. A consumer reporter on our local news does this very thing, but I think it would be lots more fun to do it myself.

For example, Tag Away! This product will solve your annoying skin tag problems in a few short weeks. Just dab it on those nasty things -- no matter where they are -- and eventually they fall right off. How is this possible? I hear you cry. Well, it's a combination of all-natural herbs and oils. See?

Then there's the Sobakowa Cloud Pillow, which is apparently the best pillow in the whole entire world. This pillow's innards actually passed the egg test, where an egg was placed at the bottom of a tube of innards and a 10-pound weight was dropped on them. Amazing! The eggs do not break!

My favorite, though, is the Wax Vac, a dandy little machine that vacuums ear wax and dirt out of your ears. It comes with eight soft rubber color-coded tips! It has safety guard that prevents you from sticking it too far into your head! It's quiet! It has a powerful headlight!

The commercial reiterates, over and over, the dangers of using a cotton swab to clean your ears. It shows a stupid man digging in his ear with a swab and then hollering OW! when he stabs his brain. It has a colorful animation that shows how swabs push wax and goo farther into your earhole and then bump up against your eardrum and play a rapid tattoo. We even get an actual doctor telling us how using a swab is bad bad bad bad bad. By the way, kids love it.

And guess what? If you call within five minutes they double the offer! Yes,  you get two Wax Vacs, one for each ear. All for only ten bucks! (Plus processing and handling, of course.)

Who can resist that? On second thought, maybe I can.

Someday Perhaps I Shall Get A Tattoo Maybe

One of my current guilty pleasures (yes, I have more than one; shut up) is this "reality" TV show called Ink Master, wherein a bunch of tattoo artists compete for $100,000 and -- even better! -- the title of Ink Master.

It is exactly the same as Shear Genius, which was a hairstyling competition and another one of my (many) guilty pleasures, except with needles instead of scissors.

There are three judges: Dave Navarro (a rock musician with many tattoos of his own), Chris Nunez, (a tattoo artist with many tattoos of his own who used to be on Miami Ink), and Oliver Peck (a tattoo artist with many tattoos of his own who constantly chews on a toothpick). Sometimes there is a guest judge; usually another tattoo artist who specializes in whatever style the contestants must demonstrate, but sometimes another person who is sort of famous, but in either case the guest judge has many tattoos of his own.

Each week, one contestant is kicked off and must pack their equipment and get the hell out; eventually one person will remain -- THE INK MASTER!

The show has two parts: a flash challenge, which does not necessarily involve actual tattooing, and an elimination tattoo. The "human canvases" are assigned by the winner of that episode's flash challenge, so there is all kinds of strategy and skullduggery going on.

Last night, the final six contestants had to do animal tattoos, with an emphasis on showing dimension. All of the tattoos are quite impressive, I must say.

I have been tempted to get a tattoo. My nephew has many tattoos of his own, including the biological taxonomy and a 1940s-style pinup girl. My mother was horrified by this, but also fascinated. My niece has the DC flag on her ankle. Several of my Tribe friends have impressive ink.

But I am a chickenshit. I don't know if I could put up with the pain, and what if I decided I hated it? I have another nephew who got several skull-and-snake type tattoos all over his arms and has spent far more money getting them lasered off than he did getting them inked on.

And what would I get anyway? I thought I might get a clown, but I really don't want a clown; I'm not a clown anymore after all. Maybe I would get a stylized pencil or pen to signify writing, but I'm not really a writer, not really. Juggling theme? Nah. Portrait? Maybe of my mom when she was young, but on second thought, I don't need a tattoo to remember her.

I know! The happy yellow guy, kinda small, where I can see him.

Maybe. What do you think?

Strange But True

Once or twice a week Joe works a late shift, which gives me a chance to watch all of the weirdo reality shows that both fascinate and repel me.

I catch up on the toddlers in tiaras, I watch bars being rescued, and I listen to ladies say yes to the dress. Right now I'm watching "Taboo", which is featuring segments on female bodybuilders, a woman who has undergone pretty extreme tattooing and piercing and tooth sharpening, and folks who are into a form of body modification called bagel head, where saline solution is injected into the forehead in the shape of a bagel. I wonder if they go for a little schmear.

So the other night I was doing a channel spin and landed on "Long Island Medium," a show about a woman who is your quintessential big-haired, platinum blonde, stiletto-wearing gal who just happens to communicate with dead people. She does private readings and parties, and sometimes, right out in public when she leasts expects it, a spirit will speak up and she'll pass along the message.

I'm not going to speculate on whether she's a scam or not. Maybe she is; maybe she isn't. I've seen Ricky Jay debunk spiritualists and astrology, but I've also seen Joe after he saw a ghost at Antietam Battlefield.

Here's what happened.

While the Long Island medium lady was talking with a family about their mom, telling them what the mom wanted them know, a lump rose in my throat, my eyes misted over, and I felt Mom sitting beside me. It was a strong, warm presence -- not in me; beside me. And then I just broke down crying from missing her, from feeling her. I talked to her through my tears. And pretty soon the feeling faded away as the Long Island medium lady moved on to her next client.

Could it have been a visit? Could it just be a reaction to a silly reality show? Both? Neither?

Maybe I'm just nuts.

Game of BorgiaLot

The first season of The Borgias is over, the first season of Camelot ends next week, and the first season of Game of Thrones is barreling towards its finale.

I've watched every episode of each, some more than once because of my nasty tendency to fall sound asleep as soon as I go horizontal on the sofa.

My whole damn family has this tendency, by the way. If the four of us were to gather in the same room and we each had our own sofa and you turned on the TV, we would all fall sound asleep and probably snore in harmony. I fear we have all passed this gene on to our children, but I'm not sure about that (except for SonnyeBoy; he definitely inherited it). Would any of my younger family members care to confirm my suspicion?

But I digress. Back to the hysterical costume dramas.

First, let's sum up. The Borgias is based on actual historical people, the rather murderous Borgia family. Camelot is based on the Arthurian legends. Game of Thrones is based on a fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire, by G.R.R. Martin.

I've liked Game of Thrones the best, with The Borgias a close second. Camelot, alas! I have mixed feelings.

Because they're all on premium channels, there's sex and violence aplenty in all three. So, let's rate them on their sexiness and violence-iness.

Best sex scene: Game of Thrones, the scene between Khal Drogo and Danerys where they look at each other and proceed to... well, whew!

Ickiest sex scene: Game of Thrones, the scene where we see Jamie Lannister and HIS SISTER EEWW having sex.

Murder, Battles, and Assorted Gore: The Borgias. Lots of poisonings, stabbings, floggings, battles. However, I think Game of Thrones may overtake The Borgias in this category; it's already had a horse beheading, severed body parts, and a spurting carotid artery resulting from a jousting death. Camelot has had a few minor battles and swordplay, and a couple of gruesome deaths by magical invention. Overall, however, the gore factor has been minimal.

Humor: The Borgias wins this category, if only for the scene where Rodrigo, after being elected Pope, has to prove he's male.

Flawed heroes: Although the writers have amped up the flawedness of King Arthur and Merlin, I still have to give this one to The Borgias. I mean, really -- Rodrigo bought the papacy, poisoned his enemies, set up his son as a cardinal, and yet he loved all of his illegitimate children fiercely.

Acting: Game of Thrones, hands down. Sean Bean, Peter Dinklage, Jason Momoa, the whole cast is excellent. Jeremy Irons as Rodrigo Borgia was terrific, though; and Joseph Fiennes as Merlin is very good.

Magic: Camelot. I do like that Merlin's not an old man with a long white beard and pointy hat. The writers have given Morgan magical skills (evil), which adds a nice touch.

So why did I like Game of Thrones best? The story and acting. Although the story is complex, the show is doing a good job of making it understandable and followable.

And why am I lukewarm about Camelot? Well, I've read an awful lot of Arthurian legend -- I even took a course on it. I don't mind that they've changed a lot of the common thread of the legend, but I wish that the plot moved along quicker. Too much time is wasted on scenery shots, for example.

Mostly, though, I kept thinking through the whole series that surely, somewhere in the whole of Camelot, that King Arthur could have found a comb.

The Past Week in Ten Bullet Points

Hey there. It's been a long week. Let me sum up in my favorite form, the bulleted list.

• I went to a dinner for Joe, who made the President's Club at his retail establishment. The management treated all of the honorees (and a few assorted other folks and management sorts) to dinner at Olive Garden. The honorees also got a goody bag with a new name tag, business cards, and a certificate for a day off. Yay Joe! Of course, then the management went and started cutting associates' hours. Pushme, pullyou; so it goes.


• Hockey. Oh, hockey! My Caps lost their second round series. I was sad, because it's another series of broken dreams, and yet not too sad, because I saved a couple hundred bucks on playoff tickets. Then the Flyers got swept by the Bruins, which made me feel marginally better.


• I watched Friday Night Lights, which continues to be my favorite show on television. Julie, Julie, Julie! You fell for that TA's tired old "I don't feel married" line!! This cannot end well. On the other hand, Mindy! You go!!


• I made another batch of pralines, which turned out much better this time. As part of my rigorous culinary quality control process, I ate several. I continue to test them to ensure that they don't suddenly go bad. So far, so good.


• I also made a loaf of Sally Lunn bread. It did not rise very much at all -- I think I may have killed off the yeast with too-hot water -- but it is quite tasty nonetheless. I'm thinking it would make a quite yummy French toast.


• I caught up with Camelot and the Borgias, and continued watching Game of Thrones. I am having a lot of fun with these costume dramas. I think someone should do a mashup of all three -- Game of Borgelot? Camethronegias? Hmm?


• I got up 5:30 this morning to make an 8:30 meeting at a different building. I did this because we all got an email stating that "some people" had commented to senior management that early meetings were a hardship because of commutes and so on -- but that "the expectation" was that we would be on time. In other words, "Tough! Suck it up!" so I sucked it up and got to the meeting over a half-hour early, only to find that the meeting had been delayed until 9:00. The things I do for these people! Geez! So I had a bagel.


• Angry Birds. Lots of Angry Birds.


• I had a lovely Mother's Day. Joe gave me a very sweet card. After all, he was instrumental in making me a mother! We went out for breakfast, and the restaurant served a lovely chocolate-dipped strawberry to all of the mothers. We saw Thor in the afternoon. SonnyeBoy called later in the day, and that made my Mother's Day pretty much perfect.


• So, yeah -- we saw Thor. It was very entertaining and I liked it a lot! I have decided that Chris Hemsworth shall play Sidewall Sam in the movie version of Girl Clown. Heh. (I'm sorry, every time I say or write Thor, I'm reminded of the old joke about the orgy of the gods. The gods gather and have this big huge orgy that goes on for days. Finally, three days in, Thor shows up. Everyone's passed out from all the orgying and ignores him. He gets a little bent out of shape at this and hollers "Wake up, you all! I'm Thor!" And one of the lesser goddesses replies, "You're Thor? I'm so thor I can't pith!" Ba da BING!)

 

I Confess

I confess: I love My Fair Wedding.

I know. I KNOW! Okay, God. But there it is. I can't help it.

I love how David Tutera looks so shy and retiring and humble when his bride and groom go into spasms of thanks during their over-the-top receptions. "Oh David! You've made our dreams come true and you are so awesome and we love you so much!"

You just know that a big old "Thank You David Tutera You Made My Dreams Come True" clause is written right into that wedding makeover contract.

And yet, I always tear up during the fabulous wedding ceremony when the handsome groom sees the beautiful bride in her perfect dress walking down the aisle in the fantasy venue. (Even if it's a church, it's still a fantasy venue -- David makes it so with flowers and tulle and sparkle!)

I am a goofy old broad.

My nephew is engaged and I confided in his lovely fiancee that she needs to plan the tackiest, cheap as shit wedding ever, then submit it to David Tutera so that she can cop a bazillion dollar wedding for nothing.

Well, maybe not for nothing; the cost is right there in that contract that you know must exist. I suspect that you must scream "OH MY GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" a hundred times, and you must act kind of bitchy at least twice ("No! I love my dress, even if it is fugly and too small and makes me look like a can-can dancer covered in whipped cream!"), and you must go along with the incredible pimping of wedding products -- everything from dresses to food to cocktails to linens to ice sculpture to cakes to caterers.

At the moment David is dealing with a Monopoly-themed wedding. I can't look away.

A Cure for Cranky

Yeah, so today was a cranky-ass day and I responded rather poorly, if I'm honest.

The whys and wherefores are irrelevant; the key here is to figure out how to lift myself out of the slough of despond and get back to my regular, annoyingly optimistic and sunny disposition,

So, what's on TV?

Whacked Out Sports? Nah. Bloopers might be okay another day, but today I have no patience for idiots competing to decide who's the most stupid.

Toddlers in Tiaras? Oh God no. While T&T is something of a guilty pleasure of mine, tonight is not the night to watch tarted-up little girls suck down Pixie Sticks and vie for the title of Ultimate Grand Supreme.

The Godfather? Nope; it might give me ideas this evening, particularly the Baptism scene. I'd best not indulge in those particular fantasies,

Law and Order? You know I dig me some Jack McCoy, but I've seen this episode already. A thousand times already.

News? Um, no.

Top Gear? The British Version?? Where Jeremy, James, and Richard are making amphibious vehicles out of regular cars??? And testing them in a lake???? And mostly sinking????? Except for James, who actually made it across the lake in his rigged up sedan/sailboat??????

Oh hell YES!

What I'm Watching

Ah, television!

I am a child of the television era. I grew up watching the tube -- I vaguely remember watching Howdy Doody, but I was much more into Crusader Rabbit and his sidekick Rags the Tiger. Crusader Rabbit was a medieval bunny knight, which might account for my current love of The Tudors.

Speaking of The Tudors, I'm sad that it's almost over. We're now on Catherine Parr, Wife Number 6. After spending two entire seasons on the whole Katherine of Aragon/Anne Boleyn triangle, the show sped right on through poor Jane Seymour and Anne of Cleves and landed this season with a bawdy thump on Katherine Howard, that slut!

At any rate, after a rather graphic (but not too graphic) torture and beheading fest of an episode, we now have Hot King Henry putting the moves on Catherine Parr. She looks rather worried and upset when she reads Hank's proposal letter. I don't blame her!

But as the The Tudors fades into the sunset, we have a new hysterical costume drama riding into the breach: The Borgias. Oh goody! More lust, both political and carnal, set in the Italian Renaissance, with Jeremy Irons as Rodrigo Borgia. It's not going to air until early next year, but I'm already looking forward to it.

I'm also sad that the HBO series The Pacific is over. The last episode had me very teary-eyed, especially during the final credits, when I finally realized (I'm a little slow) that the characters were all based on real people and the situations were taken from the various memoirs that the soldiers wrote. It was a gut-wrenching show on the World War II Pacific campaign that pulled no punches.

But even though The Pacific is over, Treme -- another HBO series that I'm loving -- is going strong. I worked on a house in the Treme neighborhood of New Orleans back in 2006, so I have a special affection for this show. The music alone is fabulous, but I love the acting and the plot lines too.

Even though some of my favorites are ending, other favorites are back! I am right back to loving Friday Night Lights, which I think is the best show on television. The plot lines are wonderful and the acting is stellar. Don't let the football theme fool you; it's really about small town life. It's not perfect, but it's pretty damn close.

Looking ahead, the next season of True Blood is coming along in June. Yay! Hot vampires who are not afraid to bite!

And, of course, even though my boys are out of it, I'm still watching the Stanley Cup playoffs. I mean, hey! It's hockey!

I May Be Watching Too Much TV

So I'm watching young beautiful people fling themselves around on a stage and I had an inspiration for a new reality show combining "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Project Runway". You could call it -- wait for it -- So You Think You Have Pants!

It's a good thing my Caps played last night instead of tonight, because I hate choosing between fast young men skating and beautiful young people dancing. It's my yang and yin pulling me every which way! It's very tiring, you know, very tiring.

Tonight I also get to see Fan Favorite Bitch Tabitha clean up another hair salon. Have you seen this show? It's kind of a spinoff from the hairdressing reality show "Shear Genius". I was addicted to that show -- it took itself so amazingly seriously that I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I mean, they had the short haircut challenge, the long haircut challenge, the specific decade hairdo challenge, the how much fake fruit and other crap can you put in someone's hair challenge, the use a garden tool to do the haircut challenge, and on and on.

But I digress!

In "Tabitha's Salon Takeover", Tabitha goes to a salon that's on the skids and kicks some hairdressing ass. The owner actually signs up for this. At first, everybody hates Tabitha, because she calls a spade a fucking shovel and that's off putting. But in the end all the naysayers realize that Tabitha is working wonders and saving the salon!

So yeah. Tonight, dancing and hairdressing. Tomorrow?

Hockey!