Red Nose

I May Be Watching Too Much TV

So I'm watching young beautiful people fling themselves around on a stage and I had an inspiration for a new reality show combining "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Project Runway". You could call it -- wait for it -- So You Think You Have Pants!

It's a good thing my Caps played last night instead of tonight, because I hate choosing between fast young men skating and beautiful young people dancing. It's my yang and yin pulling me every which way! It's very tiring, you know, very tiring.

Tonight I also get to see Fan Favorite Bitch Tabitha clean up another hair salon. Have you seen this show? It's kind of a spinoff from the hairdressing reality show "Shear Genius". I was addicted to that show -- it took itself so amazingly seriously that I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I mean, they had the short haircut challenge, the long haircut challenge, the specific decade hairdo challenge, the how much fake fruit and other crap can you put in someone's hair challenge, the use a garden tool to do the haircut challenge, and on and on.

But I digress!

In "Tabitha's Salon Takeover", Tabitha goes to a salon that's on the skids and kicks some hairdressing ass. The owner actually signs up for this. At first, everybody hates Tabitha, because she calls a spade a fucking shovel and that's off putting. But in the end all the naysayers realize that Tabitha is working wonders and saving the salon!

So yeah. Tonight, dancing and hairdressing. Tomorrow?

Hockey!

Ten Things In No Particular Order

1. We got a new refrigerator! Our old one was 21 years old and finally decided to retire. At least it gave us some notice. So we went to the Big Orange Box store and picked out a basic fridge -- no icemaker, no water/crushed ice/frozen margarita dispenser (although I would have totally gone for a frozen margarita dispenser) -- for $459 bucks. We've never bought a new fridge, so I was overly excited over the clear drawers and the deep door shelves. And it's all nice and white!

2. We went to a hockey game! Yes, in July! It was the Dave Fay memorial game. It was great fun for a great cause. And what could be better than hockey in July?

3. We took Mom to lunch today. There were no tables available in the main dining room of the place she likes, so we sat in the bar. However, the tables and chairs in there are the tall bar variety, so Joe and I had to actually lift Mom up and plop her on the seat. But she ate two cups of soup and a mozzarella stick and various pieces of my salad. She's like a bird, perched on a chair, picking and pecking.

4. I am entirely too fond of cake shows.

5. The posters on the TWOP forum for True Blood have been complaining about a lack of action. Boy oh boy, tonight's episode sure made up for that!

6. Lists work. I should make more of them.

7. Speaking of Mom, she has decided that she wants dental implants and veneers because her perfectly acceptable teeth and partials are "not pretty", so she called her dentist and made an appointment. Then she forgot what day the appointment was, and then she fogged out on the appointment itself. I called the dentist and had a delightful conversation with the nurse, so we're all squared away. She's definitely going to the dentist, she'll have a cleaning, and the dentist will gently let her know that implants and veneers are expensive, painful, and a bad investment if you're 98.

8. I made cupcakes! Because I made the frosting with lemon extract that is more like straight alcohol with a slight tinge of lemon, Joe calls them buzzcakes.

9. I got the checkbook squared away.

10. Finally, a Public Service Announcement regarding my last post. Like President Obama, I could have calibrated my words differently. In short, my brother does not think Buddy Holly is hardcore.

What's On?

My my, there is some good TV happening right now.

Even as I type, the season premiere of Mythbusters is on -- cars are crashing into things and buses are careening around tight turns. Crash! Bam! And there's fruit all over the highway! Hey, physics can be fun!

Before Mythbusters came on, I caught up with the most recent episode of Friday Night Lights, aka The Best Show on Television. Oh. My. God. Even Joe, who normally prefers non-fiction, got caught up in this episode, and he hasn't even been following the show! Oh, Tyra -- your college essay knocked it out of the park. Oh, Matt Saracen -- you go to art school, hear? Oh, Coach and Tami -- I love you both, you perfect couple and perfect parents. Oh JD -- can't you see that your father is a super control freak? Damn it, pass the Kleenex! I am so sad that there is only one more episode this season, but I am totally happy that there will at least two more seasons.

Sunday night I watched the Season 3 premiere of The Tudors. Henry the Eighth, my hot guilty pleasure, is now on Wife Three. I'm wondering -- can Jane Seymour's short tenure as queen last through a whole season? She's not even pregnant yet, so maybe. Yeah, yeah; they totally take liberties with history. I do not care. I love the show.

Right after The Tudors, I tried to watch the second episode of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, but I pretty much fell asleep right at the beginning. My eyelids fluttered slightly during the encore showing an hour later, but that was as far as it went. I did watch the premiere last week and quite liked the show. It was beautifully acted, with good writing, and I really felt like I was in Botswana. Jill Scott can act as well as she sings -- score! I will catch up with this one through On Demand. (God bless On Demand!)

Last night I sort of watched the season premiere of Rescue Me. I love this show, because Denis Leary is brilliant. His character, Tommy Gavin, is such a total jerk, and yet I love him. This show can crack me up and rip up out my heart, sometimes in the same episode. It turns on a dime but never seems forced. The reason I say that I "sort of" watched the show is because I watched at least a third of it through my eyelids. It wasn't my fault; I was lying under the Evil Blanket of Perfect Warmth and thus had no resistance.

And in June! Ah, the return of True Blood!

Hmm. Maybe I watch too much TV.

Nah.

Mirror, Mirror...

I've spent a little while in last week or so catching up with Friday Night Lights, my current favorite TV show. For those of you don't know this show, it's a show about high school football in a small Texas town.

Except... not really. I mean, football -- especially the high school variety and especially the small-town Texas variety -- is the center around which the story is woven.

I love the writing this season. And the actors are amazing, even the young ones. The way they breathe life into the characters is just right, especially in the little scenes that almost seem like throwaways.

Here's the scene that totally got to me in the latest episode.

Julie, the coach's daughter, gets back together with her first boyfriend, Matt, who has just been demoted from starting quarterback to backup quarterback. They go to the lake to spend the day. They have both been tentative about getting back together. As they sit beside the lake in front of a fire with the evening coming on, they finally surrender to each other.

Cut to next morning. Matt drops Julie off at her house. She goes into the bathroom and...

She stares at herself in the mirror. Just stares; then smiles, and her eyes go soft. She lingers for just a few seconds, looking at her changed self, and then the scene changes and the show continues. It's really a lovely little moment.

So, I hear you cry, why did that scene affect you so?

Well, I'll tell you.

That scene brought a shock of recognition for me. I clearly remember, as if it was last night, looking at my 18-year old self in the mirror the morning after I lost -- okay, "gave away" is a more accurate phrase -- my virginity. It's like I wanted to see if "it" showed; if it was obvious. I needed to look into my own eyes and see -- if I regretted it? I really don't know. But I remember thinking, "Well, you're not a virgin anymore!" Happily, I was able to smile, too.

What's really interesting to me is that as I scanned the FNL forums on TWOP, a fair number of posts said exactly the same thing: that girls always look in the mirror after they first have sex. I wonder, though, if it's limited to girls.

So I ask you: Did you look in the mirror?

Grey, I Mean, Gray, Friday Love List

Do you ever wonder about the actual correct spelling of "grey"? I mean, is it "grey" or "gray"? Or do I have too much time on my hands?

Never mind. Mr. Google told me that "gray" was the American spelling and "grey" is the British spelling. The best comment was this one:

"Gray" is a color. "Grey" is a colour.

I'm easily amused.

Anyway, it's Friday afternoon, and it's very gray and sort of drizzly, and I've finished everything I have to finish. Time for a Love List!

In spite of the weather and general Novemberishness, I love:

• Having season tickets to the Caps. Tonight's prize: a Bruce Boudreau bobblehead! Let's go Caps!
• Rounding the corner to climb up to our seats and seeing Joe sitting there.
• Coming home to the smell of dinner being cooked. Mmmm.... sausages....
• Gingersnap lattes.
• Thanksgiving.
• Having the day after Thanksgiving off.
• Talking to SonnyeBoy.
• Hearing "President-Elect Obama".
• Grapes and brie cheese.
• Crackers and soup.
• Fleur de Sel caramels from Trader Joe's. Get 'em now! 
• Turning the alarm off before I go to bed on Friday night.
• Jim and Pam.
• C.C. Adcock and Lafayette Marquis -- the band that played at Rene and Arlene's engagement party on True Blood. After hearing them on the show, I immediately looked them up and downloaded their album.
• Watching the Christmas decorations going up at the Bishop's House.
• That I can probably make a break for it in 15 minutes.
• Anesthetic lozenges.
• The feeling of relief I had when I admitted to myself that NaNoWriMo was actually NaNo-NoGo this year.

Ten (True) Bloody Things, Or Fangs For The Memory

Ah, it's the day before Hallowe'en, so it seems only right that I come clean about my latest obsession: HBO's new series, True Blood. Here are ten things about True Blood in particular and vampire stuff in general.

1. I have not read the books (by Charlaine Harris) yet. I probably will, but I plan to wait until after the series is over. I hope (hint, hint, oh family mine) to get one or two for Christmas.

2. I got totally into the Anne Rice vampire world and have read nearly all of that series, starting with Interview with the Vampire. Heck, I even saw the movie and thought Tom Cruise actually did a very good job as Lestat. But then I lost my taste (heh) for vampirism, so I never picked up the Sookie books or, I might add, the Twilight books.

3. To me, the scariest vampire movie in existence is the F.W. Murnau silent film, Nosferatu. We saw it, with fabulous organ accompaniment, at AFI. However, the scene in the Bela Lugosi Dracula where Renfield appears, quite plainly mad, at the bottom of the ship's stairs makes my blood run cold. I love the Hammer vampire films, with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing and any number of well-endowed actresses in filmy nighties and big hairdos.

4. I really like the idea in this series that vampires are lobbying for equal rights, down to the passing of the VRA (Vampire Rights Amendment).

5. I also like the fact that not all of the vampires on the series are creepy gothic types. The redneck vampire in the first episode was great, as is the character Eddie (played by Stephen Root), a nerdy gay vampire in love with the gorgeous Layfayette.

6. The little details in the series have really hooked me. For example, Tara is reading The Shock Doctrine in the first episode. I am also reading it -- it's really excellent and very scary in its own right, especially when you consider the fact that it's nonfiction.

7. Is Sam a shapeshifter or not? Why, yes, I believe he is. After all, he barks in his sleep.

8. So much eye candy in this show! Bill, Sam, Eric, Lafayette, Jason, Rene... oh my, oh my.

9. The opening song, Bad Things, is just great. I happily forked over my 99 cents on iTunes and now listen to it quite a lot.

10. Only four more episodes! Damn! Thank God for On Demand.

Oh, Rob!

Well! No one gets two pats on the head!

Y'all are either too damn young or your memories are shot or you didn't watch one of the best television comedies of the 60s.

I refer, of course, to The Dick Van Dyke Show, wherein Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore play Rob and Laura Petrie. I loved this show; I still love it!

In this particular episode, Rob and Laura have a quarrel. Rob storms out of their New Rochelle rancher and goes to the movies to cool off. And the movie?

Why, it's The Guns of Navarone.

And Rob falls asleep during the show.

Unfortunately, a jewelry store nearby gets robbed while Rob's asleep in the theater. A witness recalls seeing Rob in the vicinity and fingers him as one of the crooks. Poor Rob! He's questioned by all kinds of people, from the cops to the neighbors to Laura (of course) to his coworkers, and he tells all of them that he couldn't have done it. He was at The Guns of Navarone. Naturally, they all ask him about the plot. Rob confesses that he fell asleep and doesn't know what the plot was.

And everyone exclaims incredulously:

You fell asleep during The Guns of Navarone?????

Now if you're a Seinfeld fan, you may remember the episode where Jerry and his girlfriend are trying to find a little privacy so that they can enjoy each others' company, but Jerry's folks are visiting. So they go to the movies and make out there, but that causes a big ruckus because the movie is Schindler's List.

So when Jerry tells his mother that he and his girlfriend got kicked out for making out in the movie theater, his mother exclaims incredulously:

You were making out during Schindler's List?????

Hmmmm...

What I'm Watching Tonight After Spending Yesterday in Chicago

I spent yesterday in Chicago at a meeting.

Yeah. Flew out of Baltimore yesterday morning, walked the obligatory five miles in O'Hare plus the additional 5,000 miles to the CTA station, took the CTA into the Loop, walked eight blocks in the rain, attended the meeting, walked five blocks back to the station, took the CTA back to O'Hare, walked the 5,005 miles to my gate, pondered, ate a salad in the food court, read a lot, and flew home.

You know, there really should be mileage signs in that airport. It would make it so much easier to decide what form of ground transportation to take. It's not that I'm afraid of walking long distances; I just would rather not. I've already resigned myself to the fact that regardless of which United concourse my plane pulls into, I'm going to have to go through the Tunnel of Flashing Neon Lights and People Who Stand On The Moving Sidewalk And Spread Their Crap All The Way Across It. So I know that there will be much walking involved.

But.

It would have been nice to know that the CTA station was 5,000 miles away from Concourse C. I would haver seriously considered taking cab and lopping off several thousand miles of walking, eight blocks of which was in the rain.

And you may have noticed that I stated that the walk to the office was eight blocks, but the walk back was five. Well, that's because I'm not all that familiar with the Loop area. So of course I walked in the wrong direction a couple of times, but never more than a block, for I ask directions.

But I digress.

So I'm wiped tonight and spent the evening watching a strange variety of TV shows. At least it seems to me that it was a strange variety, at least when taken in the aggregate. Singly, none of these shows is that bizarre (well, except for maybe that one you think is weird), but taken together, it appears odd -- or maybe eclectic -- to me.

So here's what I watched tonight:

1. The World Series of Pop Culture. This is an interesting quiz show on pop culture trivia, pitting teams against each other to answer various questions asked by a straight-faced and humorless host. I did pretty well on them; I got about 80%.
2. Miami Ink. I'm fascinated with tattoos, but I'm more fascinated with the tattoo artists. Some of these guys are splendid artists, especially the ones who draw the tattoo freehand onto the skin rather than using a stencil. Tonight one of the dudes tattooed the Andy Warhol Marilyn (the pink version) onto a young woman's back. It was quite amazing.
3. America's Ballroom Challenge. Ah, ballroom dancing! Beautiful men and women wearing too much makeup and hair slickum. I love watching ballroom dancing. The women's costumes have the most amazing hidden infrastructure! Tonight's dancing was hosted by Marilu Henner and Tony Meredith, but I must admit that I preferred Juliet Prowse and Ron Montez.
4. Friends reruns. Well, sure. Probably the most mainstream of the three, but Mind of Mencia is just not that funny to me. Some of his bits are hysterical, but overall... nah. Animal Cops just makes me want to spit nails and beat people. Friends is always reliable.

Now, though, I shall have to close, for I must commune with my second husband.

Ten Things I Did Over President's Day Weekend

1. Had lunch with the lovely and talented Deb Siobhan. She filled me in on what to expect at the upcoming Green Bay Minicon (call me crazy; Green Bay in February!) and then we just yakked on and on about work, family, journaling, and how the world really ought to change to suit us. Excellent!
2. Had dinner with Mom. Her Spa Retreat at Montgomery General Hospital has really perked her up. Maybe I should sign up for the Two Pints of Blood treatment and a weekend in an ass-baring hospital gown.
3. Watched lots of Olympics. Scoffed roundly at the costumes that the ice dancers wore -- I mean, please. The Ukranian gal had on tassels -- yes, tassels! Joe was waiting for her to twirl them in opposite directions. The Italians lost a fight with blue crepe paper, but had a fight with each other. Even my boy Ben Agosto -- Ben, Ben, Ben. Please lose the lacy cut-out crap. It's just -- not right. Thanks. But the women's hockey -- excellent. Now that's some fine skatin'.
4. Shopping. Yes -- at the Mall. On President's Day weekend. I got some good bargains. Underwear -- five for $25.00! Black jeans -- $30! Bespangled peasant top (I owned the original back in 1973) -- 25% off! Good times, good times.
5. Balanced the checkbook. RIght down to the penny. Oh, the joy.
6. Began cropping photos from JournalCon 2005 for the new album. I figure if I get the photos cropped and mounted, then I can just slap 'em in the album without a lot of work. So far, so good.
7. Went to my weekly Sunday Night Write-In and actually got some work done on The Sequel. It may even end. Someday.
8. Did grocery shopping with Joe. This qualifies because I rarely go grocery shopping anymore -- Joe does it. He's made friends with all the clerks at the Safeway and knows where everything is, whereas I sort of wander around in a daze impulsively grabbing things off shelves. Oh! Dental floss! Oh! Apples! Oh! Low fat ice cream bars!
9. Took a long walk along the C&O Canal towpath. Yes, it was really cold, but it was a really good walk. I love the towpath in winter -- it's quieter, and you can see through the trees to the river, and bounce rocks off the ice on the canal, and sometimes you can hear woodpeckers.
10. Saw Capote. Wonderful movie. Philip Seymour Hoffman did an extraordinary job with the role of Truman Capote, and the supporting cast (particularly Clifton Collins Jr. as Perry Smith) was equally amazing.