Disclaimer: I unearthed this questionnaire from an old, old folder. I believe I downloaded it or received it in an email in the late 90s. I do not know the source, but I would credit it if I did. I have taken the liberty of updating it slightly to reflect our modern a-go-go world.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity? ___ Newspaper ___ Bible ___ Torah ___ Book of Mormon ___ Koran ___ Divine inspiration ___ Dead Sea Scrolls ___ My mama done tol' me ___ Near-death experience ___ Near-life experience ___ National Public Radio ___ Tabloid ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire? ___ Yahweh ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] ___ Jehovah ___ Jesus ___ Krishna ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] ___ Allah ___ Satan ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer) ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin) ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? ___ Yes ___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please check all that apply: ___ Not eternal ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire ___ Not omniscient ___ Not omnipotent ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) ___ Permits sex outside of marriage ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage ___ Makes mistakes (Octomom, Michael Vick) ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched ___ Requires burnt offerings ___ Requires virgin sacrifices ___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply. ___ Indoctrinated by parents ___ Needed a reason to live ___ Indoctrinated by society ___ Needed focus in whom to despise ___ Imaginary friend grew up ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy ___ Hate to think for myself ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys ___ Fear of death ___ Wanted to piss off parents ___ Needed a day away from work ___ Desperate need for certainty ___ Like organ music ___ Need to feel morally superior ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. ___ Mick Jagger ___ Rajanish ___ Baal ___ The almighty dollar ___ Bill Gates and/or Steve Jobs ___ Left-wing liberalism ___ The radical right ___ Ra ___ Beelzebub ___ Kermit ___ The Great Spirit ___ The Great Pumpkin ___ The sun ___ Elvis ___ Heidi Klum ___ The moon ___ TV news ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. ___ Tarot ___ Lottery ___ Astrology ___ Television ___ Fortune cookies ___ Oprah ___ Psychic Friends Network ___ Dianetics ___ Palmistry ___ Alexander Skarsgard ___ Self-help books ___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll ___ Biorhythms ___ Alcohol ___ Barack Obama ___ Tea leaves ___ Mantras ___ Blogs ___ Crystals (not including crystal meth) ___ Human sacrifice ___ Pyramids ___ Wandering in a desert ___ Burning shrubbery ___ Twitter ___ Barney Fife ___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention b. Less divine intervention c. Current level of divine intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 DVRs that record what you want them to 1 2 3 4 5 Osama Bin Laden still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
********************************************** If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered.)
We were walking back from dinner at a lovely Mediterranean restaurant, jabbering and laughing, when a small woman detached herself from a group standing on the corner and approached us.
"Are you Christian? Do you know Jesus?" she asked.
I do not like being accosted on the street, regardless of who is doing the accosting. Bums, religious fanatics of any persuasion, Greenpeacers, PETA people -- it doesn't matter who you are or what your cause is, I don't like being accosted on the street.
I kept on walking but answered loudly, "Absolutely!"
I did that because it was the only way I knew to prevent further proselytization (not a word, but should be).
Of course, the four glasses of exquisite chardonnary may have influenced me.
My Pop died in 1990 in the middle of the night, so I did not get a chance to tell him goodbye or to say "I love you" to him.
A few nights after the funeral, I had a vivid dream. He and I were sitting in the kitchen of the house I grew up in. He was dressed in one of his good suits. He was portly and healthy, the way I remember him best.
I said to him, "Pop! But you're dead!"
And he said to me, "Yes, and I have to go now."
And I said, "I love you, Pop."
And he said, "I love you, too."
And with that, the chair he was sitting turned into a coffin and I woke up.
When is a dream more than a dream?
A few years later -- maybe five? -- my mom got very sick with an intestinal virus and had to spend a week in the hospital. While she was there, I had another vivid dream.
Pop was just standing there, in some indeterminate place, dressed in his old sweater and holding a newspaper. Somehow I knew he was doing the crossword puzzle; it was one of his favorite things to do.
He said to me, "Is your mother going to be all right?"
And I said, "Yes, she's going to be fine. She's just dehydrated."
And he said, "Well, that's good then. I was worried about her."
And with that, he disappeared and I woke up.
When is a dream more than a dream?
Last week, I had a third vivid dream.
My sister and I were walking toward the assisted living home where Mom lives now, only the whole surrounding area had been developed and built up. It was kind of like Ocean City, but it wasn't. As we were walking, Pop came up to us. Once again, he was dressed in his favorite old sweater, his glasses perched on his nose. He was determined and strong.
And he said to me, "Where's this place where your mother's living?"
And I said, "It's right up the street; we're going there now."
And he said, "I'm coming to get her out of there. She can't stay there anymore."
And then the dream thinned out and I woke up, cold all over.
I called Mom the next day. She was fine; she'd just come back from bingo where she won eight games. I saw her on Saturday and she was fine, looking forward to the month's activities and entertainment.