Red Nose

Apparently Only Robots Work In That Department

If I was happy to be refinancing before -- even with the "one more piece of paper" syndrome -- I am now really really really really happy.

The reason? My current mortgage servicing company has some of the worst customer service that I have ever encountered.

The latest piece of paper my loan officer needed was the letter that confirmed that the original loan had been paid off. This is not the first time we've refinanced, so our current mortgage actually paid off the one before that. Normally, you wouldn't have to provide this proof.

Unless the mortgage company neglected to remove the paid-off lien from the property title, which is what this goddamn company did.

Now, I must admit that the current company is not the same company that did that refinance, because the original company went out of business and sold their servicing portfolio to the new company. So the mistake is not their fault.

Except that when my loan officer faxed a request to them for a copy of the satisfaction letter, he got a response saying it would take TEN BUSINESS DAYS to do it. He thought that was ri-fucking-diculous, and so did I.

We tried calling "Customer Service" to explain that our request was urgent and to please rush the delivery. Seemed pretty simple.

Alas, no. The woman told us that she couldn't help us because a different department handled those requests and they work only by fax. There is no phone number to call to request an expedited delivery. So we asked to speak to a supervisor, who told us the same thing. In fact, Ms. Supervisor said that there was no person in that department who could speak to us, there was no way for us to lodge a complaint, there was nothing she could do, and so sorry, it sucks to be you.

Okay, she didn't actually say "Sucks to be you," but I got the distinct feeling that she was thinking it.

Of course, the coup de grace was when she said, "Thank you for calling."

I resisted an urge right about then, because it was not a very nice urge, and I have enough demerits on my permanent record already.

So I sent a follow up fax to the mythical Correspondence Department. It was, shall we say, strongly worded and yet, still polite. I even said "Thank You."  Then I logged into their web site and sent the same note in an email through their "Communicate with us 24/7!" customer service email box. So far, the 24/7 communication has been decidedly one way.

I gave them one business day, so we'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, I did a little digging in my mortgage files, and guess what I found?

HAH!

Renegade Apostrophe II

I saw this sign on a bulletin board at a middle school. If a teacher created it, I weep for the profession. If a student created it, where the hell was the teacher?

I won't get into the lack of a comma after the introductory phrase or the misuse of the ellipsis. I hope the cartoons are better than the grammar.

It makes me cranky to see the noble apostrophe so mistreated, creating possessives when plurals are meant. Perhaps the Cartooning Club meets at Wednesday's house. No, the Cartooning Club meets in Room 315; it says so.

Some may say I'm too nit-picky. I disagree. It's a slippery slope, my friends. First, a renegade apostrophe; next, a rebellious semicolon -- pretty soon the subjects and verbs are disagreeing and the clauses are declaring independence. Exclamation points will run amok!!!!! Interjections will jump in where they're not wanted, and God knows what will happen with the ejaculations. Question marks will get turned on their heads -- no, wait; that's Spanish. Never mind.

Why Yes, I Am Ready For Some Football, Thanks

I have been very very very tired all day long, all because I stayed up very very very late.

And by very very very late, I mean midnight.

Then again, it might have been all the hollering and screaming I did during Monday Night Football, when my 'Skins beat the Iggles, something very few people thought would happen. Joe and I, however, had a heapin' helpin' of 'tism.

Ha! HaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! We are TWO and OH! As in TWO games WON and NO-OH games LOST.

Thank you, Jason, for being able to shake off that pick and return to bidniss. Oh, and being able to spot the holes and run through them when your receivers are covered. MWAH!

Thank you, Clint'n, for that lovely front sommy into the end zone. Celebrate it, boyo.

Thank you, Chris, for shaking off those two dropped passes and catching the one that counted -- in the end zone, between two Iggles, at the very end of the half. Loved the way you held up the ball in your own two hands while you lay flat on your back. Oh, and thank you for getting a haircut, although the 'fro did kind of deflect attention away from your snoot.

Thank you, Shaun, for nailing the field goals.

An extra special thank you and a big wet sloppy kiss to LaRon.

LaRon, my sweet defensive studmuffin, how do I love thee for knocking that fourth down pass out of that Philly receiver's hands? (Yes, I could look up his name, but I do. not. care!)

Let me count the ways: 20 to 12.

And Joe Gibbs. Dear, dear Joe Gibbs. Thank you for changing your mind and going for it on fourth and 16, even after the penalties, even after the Iggles timeout, even when the field goal was the safe score. I admit it; I thought you were nuts -- it was just a brief, fleeting moment of doubt, honest -- but you believed in Jason and Chris and pulled out a touchdown.

Now -- please will someone smack the shit out of the Monday Night Football commentators?? Just smack 'em, right across their ugly mugs. I mean, I can take the total lack of respect for my team -- even from Tony Kornheiser, who should know better -- and the total homer-ness of Ron Jaworski for the Iggles. After all, the 'Skins were 5-11 last season. Who in their right minds would think that they could not only beat the Iggles, but BEEE-AAAAATTTTT the Iggles? But when Charles Barkley showed up in the booth and the broadcast team proceeded to ignore the football game and ramble on and on and ON about Bill Belichick and the stupid signal stealing scam, I mean PLEASE! CALL THE FREAKIN' GAME!!

Anyway, I'm tired.

How Stupid Do You Have To Be?

Today is primary election day in Montgomery County, Maryland. Now, there are people who skip the primaries, but I am not one of them.

The polls opened at 7:00 AM. I arrived at 7:10 AM.

As I walked into the voting room, a very disgruntled couple walked out and muttered to me, "Don't bother."

Now that's a bit weird, I thought.

Yes, there were a few people, but it wasn't particularly crowded. I figured I would check in, go into one of the electronic high-tech touchscreen voting booths, and be done in a few minutes. Voila! Civic duty accomplished.

In fact, I noticed that this year the Board of Elections introduced a new, electronic check-in system, eliminating the old, manual card system.

Cool, I thought.

Well. That part was cool.

What wasn't cool was the fact that SOMEONE at the Board of Elections NEGLECTED to pack the plastic Voter Access Cards.

Big deal? Oh hell yes.

Because, you see, the Voter Access Card is the magical key that fires up the electronic ballot on the electronic high-tech touchscreen voting machine.

Now the poll workers at my particular precinct are not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but they have good hearts. When they realized that the electronic high-tech touchscreen voting machines were now essentially useless, they called the Board of Elections, who told them that they would rush the Voter Access Cards right over, and meanwhile, voters could still vote, but they would have to use the provisional ballot.

The paper provisional ballot.

Which you can't get until you get a "Provisional Ballot" slip at check-in, then get and fill out the "Why I Need to Vote on a Provisional Ballot" form (that also serves as the envelope to hold your folded paper provisional ballot) from the poll worker, then turn that in to get the actual provisional paper ballot.

Which must be filled out in provisional ballot voting booth, so as to preserve the secrecy of the secret ballot.

Oh yeah -- there is one provisional ballot voting booth, which is a chair at a table topped with a cardboard screen labeled "Provisional Ballot Voting Booth".

As the line got longer, tempers got shorter. The poll workers finally wised up and advised the incoming voters that they might want to leave and come back later in the day, when they had the magical Voter Access Cards.

There were other charming glitches, like the fact that the workers couldn't seem to decide whether the form-to-get-the-ballot had to be filled out in pen, pencil, or both. That one was interesting. Then there was the guy who got slightly testy over whether the ballot would count, seeing as how the form did not list "Board of Elections Stupidity" as a reason for using the provisional ballot. Of course, the poll worker (probably the dullest of the dull knives) who said that the provisional ballots wouldn't be counted until "the election was over" didn't help. Cranky McTesty's head proceeded to explode -- which was messy -- and things got tense until Dullard McKnife reassured him that yes yes yes, the ballot would be counted. I realized he meant that the ballots would be counted after the polls closed, not after the election was over. A fine line, but hey. Meanwhile, one of the other (not as dull) poll workers joked that maybe he should go out and get doughnuts, which I thought was a brilliant idea. But did he go? No. Damn. If he had, I might have kissed him. Maybe.

Then! Once they got it together to actually go with the provisional ballot process, they started out by going through it one voter at a time.

Yes, that's right. Each voter was to go through the whole farcockteh process before the next voter could start.

Rumble rumble rumble, mutiny mutiny mutiny...

The steam started streaming out of the ears of the assembled voters. The poll workers quickly saw the error of their ways. They handed out the forms, let folks fill them out, handed out the paper ballots, and let folks sit anywhere in the room to complete the damn ballot.

So much for the double secret provisional ballot voting booth!

In any case, I got my form, filled in my form (in ink!), got my ballot, filled in my ballot (in pencil!), sealed the ballot into the envelope, handed it to the poll worker to put into the extra-special bright orange provisional ballot bag, and booked on out of the polling place.

You know, as much fun as I make of this, I really am pissed off. Not at the poor poll workers -- they had their hands full dealing with cranky voters and poorly designed processes -- but at the idiot or idiots who packed the equipment. How in name of all that's holy do you forget to pack the one critical item that makes it all go? I mean, come on! That's not just incompetent, it's crazy! They should all be spanked in public!

And guess what? It wasn't just my little precinct that had this problem. It was every precinct in Montgomery County, Maryland. Heavily Democratic Montgomery County, Maryland.

Every. Precinct.

Holy dear sweet Jesus Christ in a bucket.

I know -- it's all a conspiracy. A Republican conspiracy! Heh.

Anyway. I voted. Now I'm looking forward to the challenges from the losers.

The Plot Sickens

Previously on The Saga of the Unpaid Electric Bill...

Your intrepid heroine gets the shocking (heh) news that the juice is about to dry up, navigates the dangerous voice mail maze, extends the due date for great turning off of the electricity, registers on the Electric Company web site, and valiantly attempts to sign up for online bill payment.

Right? Right. Okay then.

I thought I'd try to sign up for online bill payment one more time, this time from home, where I actually had the last official bill.

Ah, that was the key! I'd gotten the amount wrong, since the latest bill included the unpaid balance plus the billing for this month.

So now I'm all signed up for online bill payment. I can now pay online, thus not incurring the telephone bill payment fee. I'm all about avoiding the fees.

But first! (Abrupt shift to present tense...)

Perhaps I'd best check -- one more time -- to see if perhaps the old check has cleared. I certainly don't want to pay more than what I owe. So, over to the bank site I go.

Nope -- check's still outstanding. Hmm. I know! I will stop payment on the check! After all, I get free stop payments, so it seems a good way to go. Then I can pay the entire amount due online, taking care of the unpaid bill and this month's bill.

I am so smart.

Click, select, click -- Are you sure? -- Of course I'm sure! -- click, done!

Whew. Back to Electric Company website. Click "Pay Bill" -- I mean, why go through "Manage My Account" when I can go directly to "Pay Bill"?

Click, enter amount, authorize -- Click only once! -- done. Okay, let's check the account to make sure the payment went through. Click.

WHAT?! Oh. My. God.

They got the check. They got the check. They. Got. The fucking. CHECK!

That I've now stopped payment on.

Oh well. The account's paid, in oh-so-many ways.

Stay tuned.

(Mis)Adventures in Customer Service

Well.

I started the day by casually opening the mail from the electric company that's been sitting on the kitchen table for three days only to find that what I thought was going to be a routine budget billing advertisement was, in actuality, a Turn-Off Notice.

As in, we are turning off your electricity because you have not paid your bill.

Gave me quite a turn, it did, because, dammit, I paid the goddamn bill.

Luckily, my bank statement was in the same pile of benignly neglected mail, so I ripped that open. I was all set to find the cancelled check and commence breathing once again.

Alas.

Next stop, Quicken. I mean, I thought I paid the bill. I was sure I paid the bill. But... but... maybe I just imagined that I paid the bill! Okay, whew. There it is, check number 1234E6, mailed June 24, right in between the check to the lawn magicians and the cable company. Onward to the bank's web site. Seach for check number 1234E6.

Alas.

The check, it has not been cashed. The bill, it has not been paid.

So I quickly looked to see if the other checks I wrote in that batch had been paid.

Why, yes, indeed they had.

Which means that the electric company check probably got lost in the vast maw that is the US Postal Service.

Hmm. Okay, easy enough to fix. I will get on the phone and talk to a Friendly Customer Service person at the electric company, explain the situation, and maybe ask if they could check to see if they'd received the check but had not yet processed it. If they hadn't received it, I'd go ahead and pay the bill using my debit card. Then I'd stop payment on the check, just to cover my ass (and the checking account balance).

Except.

There are apparently no human beings working for the electric company. At least, I couldn't find any. I even tried to short-circuit the automagic menu by pressing 0, but Robot Voice didn't understand it.

Well, here; listen for yourself. (Turn up your speakers -- and listen to the very very end!!)

Did you hear any option that might connect me with a person? I thought not. So, wrongly deducing that Option 1 -- You Have Received A Turn-Off Notice And Would Like To Extend The Due Date -- might actually get me to a living person, I pressed 1. Well, come on! I thought the electric company might make a deadbeat who's facing electricity shutoff grovel, at least a little.

Alas.

Mostly.

I mean, I still didn't get a person, but I did get the deadline extended. I had to put in my account number, and then It (the Robot Voice, the Automagic Deadbeat Enforcement System, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz... who the hell knows?) just went away and mulled things over and then extended the payment deadline by a week.

So I guess it's not all bad. I know! I'll see if I can pay online at their web site.

Yay! You can pay online! Great! I'll just register on the company website. Let's see...

Name, check. User id, check. Password, check and... check. Email address, check and... check. Submit.

Ah. They sent me an email. Cool. Check email... click link. Yay! I'm activated! Click Manage My Account. Click Add Account. Okay. Seems a little too... never mind. Just add account. Account number... amount of one of my last three bills!??! Well, if you insist... last four digits of phone number... last four digits of Social Security Number... Submit!

Error. This account number has been assigned to another user id.

Huh?

I tried three more times. No dice. But at least they have a customer service number I can call.

Oh God.

Goodbye, Diary-X

A year -- gone.

Poof.

For two reasons: I didn't download journal entries, and Stephen Deken didn't back up Diary-X.

I haven't talked about the debacle because I was really hoping against hope that the data recovery people would be able to -- you know, recover the data.

My only consolation is that I did download my journal in early 2005, so at least I didn't lose all four years of my journal entries. I've still got some of my favorite entries. I've also lost some of my favorite entries, too.

I'm angry at myself for being stupid. I'm angry at Stephen for not running Diary-X properly. I hope he's learned something from this; I certainly have.

I'll be staying at Typepad.

And I'll be backing up my journal weekly.