Red Nose

Just A Mood

It seems like nothing has been easy lately.

Work projects that should take minutes have taken hours. There's always a problem, a glitch, a hangup. Applications crash or I forget some detail or a mic battery dies.

My body simply will not cooperate with me. My shoulder aches and aches and aches, so I take a painkiller and then can't wake up properly. I overdo the caffeine one day and a bad dizzy spell overtakes me. My stomach rebelled after lunch today. I can't sleep, yet all I want to do is sleep.

I get some Christmas shopping done online, but it looks like the stuff won't ship until awfully late. Or am I just reading the information wrong? Who knows.

I seem to get sad too often. It overtakes me when I least expect it.

The day began with fog. It blurred the sun and hung over the fields and the warehouses as we drove to the subway. Somehow it was very peaceful and I felt a little better.

The fog burned off as the morning wore on toward noon and I slogged my way through a simple task, a simple task that I somehow had to force myself to finish. The sun came out. As I gazed out the window near my cubicle a jay landed on the bare branches.

I finished the task and another nitpicky project (that took far longer than it should have) and it was time to go home. The train came quickly. It wasn't raining or terribly cold. Joe picked me up and smiled at me and fixed me a steak dinner.

In four days I start my end of the year, two-week vacation. I guess it's just a mood. I'll be fine.

Ear Update

The other day I looked up and thought, "Hmm. Do I have an appointment with the ENT doc soon?" Then I looked down and forgot about it until yesterday, when I called to find out when the appointment was. I knew it was September, but beyond that I was clueless. (Shut. Up.)

Annnnnd I found out that the appointment was today! Luckily, I was able to make it.

This was a followup appointment to see if I needed to worry about my Meniere's and BPPV. The Meniere's, in particular, can cause hearing loss, so the first part of the appointment was a hearing test.

I repeated words and listened for tones and went back to the waiting room and flipped through another issue of Southern Living. (Did you know that kitchen appliances are unbelievably expensive? Let me tell you something, if I'm going to spend three grand on a freakin' stove, it better fix me a drink and give me a deep tissue massage. Just sayin'.)

Then the doc (I love this doc, even if I do have to wait a long time.) came in to talk to me. My hearing is still good -- yay! My eye tracking is steady -- yay! I haven't had any dizziness for several months -- yay!

So the upshot is that I don't need another followup for eight months, unless I have a flare up of either condition.

Here's hoping this steady state continues. I don't need to know about any more expensive appliances.

A Dream Toward Dawn

The other night I had a very unsettling dream, so unsettling that it took me over a day to tell Joe about it and a couple of days to decide to write about it, because I kind of had to think about it.

It was very real, vivid even, the kind of dream where you really think you're there. I even remember the feelings I was having in the dream and how I was dealing with those feelings; I remember the clothing I was wearing in the dream.

When I have nightmares, I feel like I have to tell them out loud so that I can remove their power. (How's that for a superstition?)

I often have dreams about things I'm putting off, or about things I'm trying to avoid. When I have those sorts of dreams, I usually get inspired to do whatever it was I was dreaming about.

This time, though... it wasn't exactly a bad dream, just unsettling.

Oh, let me just get on with it.

I dreamed that I had terminal cancer.

And I was totally fine with it. I had totally accepted that I had this disease and that I was going to die very soon.

In the dream, I was wearing a thick, brown, pullover sweater and lovely brown flowy pants, and I had a bright blue silk scarf tied around my head, its long ends trailing down to my waist. Because of the scarf, the "watching me" noted that I must have undergone chemotherapy.

I was telling Joe what he'd have to do after I died and how he should do it. I reminded him to file a claim for the life insurance, and that it should be enough for him to live on. I told him how I wanted my funeral. He was listening and writing things down, though he seemed very sad.

I, on the other hand, was quite calm. I kept saying, "It's okay; it's okay."

When I woke up, I wondered if I should go have one of those head-to-toe body scans that supposedly shows up every tiny thing that might be wrong for you.

I've just been to the doctor for a regular checkup. I've had my mammogram and Dexa scan. I've recently had a chest x-ray, a Pap smear, an abdominal ultrasound. Check, check, double check; all is well.

I can only hope that, if the time does come, I really can manage to be fine with it.

Karmic Compensation

I woke up out of a dream at 4:10 this morning. Something in my dream made me sit up on the side of the bed, just as I do when I get up. Once I was sitting up, I woke up fully and realized that I had another two hours before the alarm went off, and I couldn't remember why I sat up in the first place.

I shook my head and lay back down for another couple hours of slumber. Naturally, I didn't really quite fall completely asleep because I knew I only had two hours before I had to get up.

I hate when that happens.

When I did get up -- at six -- I headed for the bathroom. I lurched a little on the way, almost losing my balance.

Oh damn, I thought. A Meniere's flare up.

I showered, dressed, ate breakfast, and went to work. I didn't have any bad dizzy spells; just the heavy feeling in my head and a slightly louder version of the high-pitched whine in my ears.

I parked the car in the garage and made my way to the garage elevator. As I walked -- okay, lurched -- toward the elevator, I noticed a piece of paper on the floor. A green piece of paper. With a president on it.

I reached down, had a mild dizzy spell, grabbed the piece of paper, and straightened up.

It was a ten dollar bill! Score!

It was almost like a heavenly apology. Sorry about the Meniere's. Here's ten bucks for your trouble.

Thanks, Karma!

Spring Cold: A Sonnet, More Or Less

It's more than just a random sneeze.
I have another cough and cold.
At first I thought, "Just allergies!"
(This illness shit is getting old.)

Itchy eyes, sore throat, and head that aches,
The goo inside my lungs and nose
Combined with a cough that rattles and shakes
Makes me long for NyQuil, a double dose!

I've washed my hands, Purell'd them too
And yet the germs upon me leap.
I thought at first, "Oh no! Swine flu!"
But no, I have no fever steep.

So I'm sick, but not completely blue, for
I've now caught up with Henry Tudor.

And My Allergies Are Acting Up Too

Boy oh boy, am I tired.

Have I been complaining a lot about being tired? I feel like I've been complaining a lot about being tired. Anyway, I am tired.

It's been an eventful few days.

Wednesday I went to the doctor for a regular checkup. More good news, bad news:

• Awesome cholesterol -- 117! HDL a tad low, but not awfully so.
• Blood glucose? Not so much; a little high at 101.
• I lost 5 pounds since my last checkup in January. So that's okay.
• Hemoglobin something-or-other, also a little high.

So what's the upshot? Borderline diabetic. The solution? One guess. Yep! Diet and exercise.

Oh. All. Right. Dammit.

Wednesday night we attended Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Championship Quarterfinals -- my Caps versus the Rangers. It was a good game, but alas! The Rags were a bit better than we were, so we had to drown our sorrows at Tastee Diner after the game.

Yesterday I had to pack up my cube for our group's move to a different building. I did manage to dispose of a lot of office detritus, but I still ended up with four big boxes of books, files, office supplies, and miscellany.

Yesterday evening I met up with my high-school pals for dinner with a very special guest -- our high-school biology teacher! I remember her as being very strict, but very good, about nine feet tall. During the human reproduction segment in Biology class, she began asking questions about female and male anatomy and I was the only girl who knew the answers. I was kind of embarrassed about it, but she was proud of me. Now she's a wee little old lady in her 80s, bright and sparkly and fun! She knew every one of us, too. We practically closed down the restaurant.

Today, of course, I had to unpack everything that I packed up yesterday. The nice thing is that the new cube is exactly the same as the old cube, so I just put everything back where it was before, except in a different location. I do have a much nicer view in the new building, and the sun comes beams in through the windows in the morning, and it's out of the way. Privacy, yay! Now I just have to rig up a webcam so I can see my boss people sneakin' up on me.

So tonight? Tired. I am going to do the dishes now, curl up on the couch, and root for both the Pens AND the Flyers to lose.

Ear Ye: Good News, Bad News

The day started off with a thunderstorm, of all things, but now the clouds have parted and the sun is peeking through. It is every bit as wonderful as I thought it would be! I went outside to get some lunch and was actually warm. Then the sun popped out and felt -- dare I say it? -- hot! Go, Sun, go!

All right, I'm settling down now.

I had my followup appointment with the ENT doc the other day; it was a classic Good New, Bad News deal. The good news? I do not have MS, brain tumors, or evidence of a stroke. For that, I am very grateful. The bad news? I have two "disease processes" going on: the BPPV and the Meniere's Disease. It turns out that it is indeed possible to have both conditions. The shit bonus was that I had them at the same time -- double the dizziness! So I had loose crystals and a fluid imbalance. Great; thanks!

Anyway, the doc gave me some good advice on how to forestall and lessen the Meniere's attacks. He gave me the dietary no-nos (fat, salt, and alcohol; God! Can't I have ANY vices?) and he gave me some other practical advice, to wit:

• Sit in the front seat of the car, because the back seat sways more and can trigger an episode.

• When riding in a car, don't look at things that repeat, like lane lines, fences, or poles.

• No yoga. (This prohibition does not bother me.)

• When flying, seat in a window seat in the middle of the plane.  If a dizzy spell hits, look out the window at the horizon.

He also gave me some vestibular exercises to perform that should help as well. I wonder if I should wear a vest when I do them. Or perhaps vestments. Maybe I should do them in a vestibule.

In any case, both conditions have subsided for the most part, which is the vest news of all.

Vernal Equinox Love List

It's Friday AND the first day of astronomical Spring here in the Northern Hemisphere, a win-win if there ever was one.

Yeah, it's kinda cold here in the Nation's Capital, but it's blatantly sunny so I can forgive Mother Nature for her chilly attitude, especially since the redbuds and forsythia are already blooming. That kinda takes the chill off, yes it does.

Anyway, to celebrate springtime and all sorts of other things, here's a Love List.

I'm loving all kinds of things lately:

• Taking my lunch to work. Yes, really! I brought my lunch to work three days this week. Not only was it delicious, it helped a $20 bill stay in my wallet.
• Ovie's 50th goal! The Great 8 has now scored 50 or more goals in three of his four seasons in the NHL. Some people dislike his exuberant celebrations, but I love them because of his obvious love of the game.
• Shortbread cookies.
• Good jokes (well, maybe bad jokes, but definitely really really funny jokes), told really well, and introduced with Klezmer music.
• Redbud trees in bloom.
• Magnolia trees in bloom.
• Forsythia in bloom.
• Just about anything in bloom!
• MRI technicians who talk to you and tell you how long a scan will take and who give you a chance to pull the underwear out of your butt before sliding you into the tube and who can give a barely noticeable injection.
• MRI clinics that give you coupons for a free nosh at the local bagelry!
• Looking at MRI scans and seeing just how ooky your eyeballs look, but not seeing any obvious brain alligators.
• My happy place. I went to it yesterday during the MRI.
• Not having to cough during an MRI.
• The Evil Blanket of Perfect Warmth. I suppose that bears explaining. We have an old Army blanket -- you know, the green wool kind -- that has been washed many times until it's very very soft and completely non-itchy. It imparts the perfect amount of warmth over your body. However, if you cover yourself with the blanket while watching TV, you will never see what you intended to watch, because you will fall asleep instantaneously. And that is why it is Evil, but Perfect. And I love it.
• Twitter. It's dangeresque!
• Having sound bites on my iPod. I'll be listening to some good music and then..."Men don't just into window seats and die!" "No dear, he died first." "Well, how did he die?" "He died because he drank some wine... with poison in it." (First person who can name the movie that's from gets two pats on the head.)
• Lemonade.
• A'float Sushi in Pasadena, California. I'm going to Pasadena for work next week and will definitely have dinner there!
• SnackWells vanilla cream sandwich cookies and coffee -- hmm, I think I'll have some now!

A Look Into My Brain

Tomorrow I am finally having the brain MRI that my ENT doc ordered back in early February. There was -- and you will probably not be at all surprised at this -- a snafu with the health insurance.

Back when the doc ordered the scan, the lovely and efficient office manager told me that she would submit a preauthorization with my insurance and call me when it came through. I could then make the appointment. Later that week when I had the ENG, I asked after it, but the office manager told me that they hadn't received it yet.

I then promptly forgot about it.

The thought finally made its way back into the forefront of my active mind a week or so ago and I idly wondered why it was taking so long.

So I called the office manager. She was suitably surprised, so I figured that she had also forgotten about it, but I don't hold any grudge about that. She made up for it by immediately getting in touch with the insurance company. They told her that I did not need a preauthorization.

Evidently they got the request, thought "Huh. She doesn't need this." and then balled it up and threw it away and forgot to call the office manager. So there's been a lot of forgetting all the way around.

The office manager was a little embarrassed by the whole event and told me to just go ahead and make the appointment.

Naturally, I jotted down "Make MRI appointment" on a sticky and stuck it on my calendar and looked at it for two days before I finally called.

There is no cause for alarm -- this is the "rule out" MRI. I had a CAT scan a couple of years ago and it showed that I still had a brain, so I expect the MRI will show the same thing, only louder and in color.

But I guess I'm still a little nervous. What if, and all that.

I think I'll just forget about it for now.

Lights Out

Yesterday I gave blood at a special blood drive sponsored by the Caps (who apparently did not bother to come to their own game today, alas). I've given lots and lots of blood over the years with nary a problem.

No problem this time, either -- at least for the rest of the day. We had lunch with Mom and the rest of the family, I met a pal for a movie and a snack afterward, and I came home to settle in for the evening.

I've picked up (AGAIN!) a bit of a cough, so I took some cough syrup around 9:00.

Some codeine cough syrup.

At 10:00, Caddyshack come on the box, which is required viewing Chez Red Nose, but I saw about, oh, five minutes of it before I blanked out the TV and sank into slumber. After the movie was over, I roused myself from the arms of Morpheus, and Joe and I headed up to bed.

I got to the bathroom first. I rinsed off my nightguard, put it in my mouth, drank a little water, and sat down on the toilet for a final time before bed.

Suddenly I felt kinda woozy. Not my usual spinny dizziness, but the kind of abrupt spots-before-the-eyes wooziness that means your brain is about to shut down NOW. I put my head between my knees as Joe (who was brushing his teeth beside me) joked, "What? Are you bearing down or something?"

The next thing I remember is Joe saying, "Baby! Baby! Mary! Talk to me!" I heard him, but I couldn't respond. I just knew that he was yelling at me and that I was uncomfortable because something hard was underneath me.

I honestly thought I was in bed. But no; I was on the bathroom floor.

Yes, friends, I pulled an Elvis, only without the dying. I passed out and fell off the toilet onto the bathroom floor, with Joe standing right there with a mouth full of toothpaste. The thing that was making me uncomfortable was the bathroom scale.

Joe tried to help me up and I tried to cooperate, but it didn't work and I went back down on the floor in a heap. He said, "I'm going to call an ambulance."

At this point I think I said something like, "Just help me get to bed."

I managed to get up, and Joe walked me toward the bedroom, but I didn't make it. Once more onto the floor, yup. This time, though, I was a little more with it. Joe helped me up again and steered me into bed. He noticed that I had some road rash on my knee, so he got the peroxide and the band-aids and fixed me up. By then I was finally fully conscious. We talked a bit; I asked questions and he filled me on my fainting spell. I was thinking clearly again. I realized that being a pint low on blood probably didn't mix well with codeine.

I decided I really didn't need an ambulance.

Joe got me an ice pack for my knee and a drink of water. We talked some more and then we went to sleep.

This morning I was pretty much fine. My knees are creaky and sore, and I have a pretty impressive bruise on my hip.

Fainting ain't for sissies.