Red Nose

Joe Can Dig It

Joe sizes up the task.

He starts out with the broom, sweeping the light powdery snow.

He works his way around the back -- it's all in the grip, y'know.

Now to make a clean sweep of the roof rack.

Finally, after moving the truck, clearing out the parking space, and moving the truck back in, the diggening is done.

And so is Joe, apparently.

 

Renegade Apostrophe V

It's been awhile since the last Renegade Apostrophe, but I couldn't pass up this one!

 

The food at this seafood restaurant in West Ocean City is great, but the punctuation could use a little work.

Why Can't I Think Of The Snappy Comeback When I Need It?

I have written before about my extreme dislike of street solicitors, regardless of the cause, whether it's Jesus, PETA, plain old begging, Greenpeace, Democrats, Republicans, conspiracies, whatever.

Tonight it was The Environment. I don't know for sure which organization the overly friendly guy was representing because I blew right past him on my way to the subway.

I knew I was in trouble when I spotted him standing by the stairs, clipboard clutched firmly in his mitt.

GAAAAHHHH! DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!!! I screamed to myself.

Too late.

He blared out the McDonald's theme and called out, "Hi! What's your favorite planet?"

I mumbled something like, "Sorry, not tonight."

Of course, I should have said something clever, like:

• Mercury, because it's hot, hot, hot!
• Uranus, because you have your head up it!
• Venus, because it rhymes with penis.
• I don't have a favorite; I love all my planets equally.

Any other suggestions?

All Righty Then

What's that in the distance? Looks like an SUV with an interesting bumper sticker.

Let's see... can we get a little closer?

Aw, isn't that nice? The kid is terrific and Jesus loves me. But wait... what's that sentence below the Jesus sentiment?

Oh. All righty then!

Kids These Days!

We were riding Metro to the Caps game last night (a 7-4 win over the Panthers -- WOO!) when two teenage guys got on the train. They were in fine fettle, whooping it up and laughing with each other, full thug wannabees with wispy facial hair and supreme confidence.

They spread out in the train, sitting apart from each other in separate rows, talking loudly and profanely, making faces at each other in the windows, and generally acting like they owned the world.

And then four teenage girls got on the train. Four loud, laughing, sassy girls cutting up even more than the boys. They stood by the train doors, teasing and trash talking, out on the town on Saturday night.

Those boys physically shrank a foot. No more talking, no more boasting, no more spreading out and owning the car. They clammed up tight, sat up straight and stared out of the window, doing their best to be invisible.

The girls totally noticed them and simultaneously totally ignored them, until one plopped right down next to the kid in front of me. He cringed, literally cringed.

The girls, of course, saw him cringe and pounced. He knew he couldn't win, so he just smiled and tried to disappear as the girls teased him. I really had a hard time keeping a straight face.

Then four older ladies got on the train. The girls got real polite just then, deferring to the older ladies, cleaning up their language and acting right. When two other boys got up and offered their seats to the ladies, the Lead Girl scolded  Baby Thug:

"Get up and give them your seat! Don't you have any manners?"

It's hard out there for a thug. Especially when faced with Miss Thang and her posse.

The Need For Copyeditors

SonnyeBoy sent me this picture today -- it's the cover of a brochure for Wor-Wic Community College. I know it's a bit hard to read, but look carefully at the address. (I've blurred SonnyeBoy's number, by the way.)

Oh, those perspective students! Always keeping things in prospective!

Kids At The Museum

What's a perfect place for a school field trip? Why, the museum, of course!

The coral reef aquarium attracted big crowds -- Nemo and Dorie are crowd pleasers, but the other fish (especially the giant clam) were also popular.

Actually, you don't have to be in school to like the coral reef. This little guy and his dad were fascinated.

The giant crystal ball is pretty interesting, too.

But really, you can't beat the T. Rex!

Bread and Other Stuff

It's that time of year again! My stats are going up steadily as people search for pumpkin pie recipes for the upcoming feasts. I continue to believe that mine is the best pumpkin pie in the whole entire world.

I am taking tomorrow off. I checked my leave balance the other day and was very pleasantly surprised to find that I have a healthy dose of vacation days. I thought, "Well hell -- take a day off!"

Actually, I'll use most of the day to do some stuff I've been putting off, most notably calling the county and starting the process to get Mom approved for Medicaid. Ugh. It will be a tedious task.

So I'm coming up from the subway this morning, and I buttonhook around to the right to grab a City Paper, and what do I see atop one of the many many newsstands clustered around the subway entrance?

I hope whoever got the Pet Lovers Companion doesn't want a sandwich later.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

Disclaimer: I unearthed this questionnaire from an old, old folder. I believe I downloaded it or received it in an email in the late 90s. I do not know the source, but I would credit it if I did. I have taken the liberty of updating it slightly to reflect our modern a-go-go world.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please check all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Octomom, Michael Vick)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates and/or Steve Jobs
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Kermit
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Heidi Klum
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Oprah
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Alexander Skarsgard
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Barack Obama
___ Tea leaves
___ Mantras
___ Blogs
___ Crystals (not including crystal meth)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Twitter
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 blogs

Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 DVRs that record what you want them to
1 2 3 4 5 Osama Bin Laden still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)



**********************************************
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31 you will be entered in
the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered.)

Irritated Talk

When I was a kid, my Pop would come home every evening, hang up his suit jacket, put on his sweater, and pick up the evening paper. He read the paper and then settled in to do the crossword puzzle. He always finished them, too.

I started doing crossword puzzles in college and kept it up while I was on the road. I once even completed a Sunday New York Times puzzle; that was a day for a celebration! Then I kind of let them slide and pretty soon quit altogether.

Well, a few weeks ago I was looking at the Sunday Washington Post puzzle, just kinda idly reading the clues, and I just sorta picked up a pen and started filling in words.

I didn't complete that one, but the next morning I looked at the weekday puzzle. And that one, I did complete.

Thus was born -- or reborn -- a crossword puzzler.

Now I can't get enough. I do the daily puzzle every morning. On the way into work, I pick up the Post Express paper and do that puzzle at lunchtime. On Monday, I fire up a classic New York Times puzzle online. On Thursdays, I pick up the City Paper and do that puzzle. (It's a tricky one, too! I usually have to resort to Google for at least one answer. I am not proud of this, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.) Every evening I do a puzzle or two on BestCrosswords.com. I only do the American (as opposed to British) style with straight (as opposed to cryptic) clues, because I am a wuss and easily frustrated. Online puzzles are okay, but there really is nothing quite like folding a newspaper just so and and filling in the squares.

Sunday afternoons, of course, are reserved for the Sunday Washington Post puzzle. It takes me a couple of hours, but I can usually finish it. (I confess to a few Googles on that one, too.)

So, imagine my delight when, as I spun through the channels last night, I found the PBS show Independent Lens, which was playing the documentary Wordplay. It's all about crossword puzzlers! It featured Will Shortz, the puzzlemaster of the New York Times, and the crossword competition he sponsors. But it also featured several well-know puzzlers, including Bill Clinton and Jon Stewart.

It was a really good and fun documentary, but it also convinced me that competition is not for me. These folks are timed; scoring is based on both speed and accuracy. I prefer a more leisurely approach.

And, of course, a pen.

Yes, a pen.