I saw the gynecological oncologist Friday. He's a very straightforward fellow; I like him.
He showed me the MRI films, which was a lot like showing me a Jackson Pollack painting and asking me to find Waldo. I really couldn't make out anything, except for my tailbone. And I only recognized that because he traced it and said, "There's your tailbone."
Naturally, I read the report on the patient portal before my appointment Here's the section of the report about the ovary in question:
So there you go! "No normal left ovary is identified." Don't you love the passive voice?
I can't decide whether the last sentence means that the primary ovarian neoplasm should be "excluded" as in "yanked out" or "excluded" as in "not what it is". But I do understand that the thing has walls in it. At any rate, the doc thinks that the tech was covering her ass and overstating the seriousness of the cyst, because he wasn't seeing what she saw. He thinks that I could do another Watchful Waiting deal and have more tests in a few months to see if anything's changed. He also said it wouldn't be a bad thing to remove the ovary, test it, and make sure it's a benign cyst and not a cancerous monster.
So that told me that he's not 100% sure that it's a harmless cyst.
I thought about it for a minute. And I decided that I only have enough energy to deal with one waiting game. So we agreed that he would operate and remove both ovaries and tubes. He'll do it laparoscopically, unless he runs into problems, at which point he'll fillet me like a fish. The bad ovary will be tested immediately to see for sure if it's malignant or benign. If the news is good, I'll go home the same day and recover for a week. If not, all bets are off.
Now that I've made that decision and had all the pre-admission testing, I'm wondering if I'm overreacting. I don't think I am -- I keep thinking that I've already got cancer hanging out inside me and that's enough to worry about, right? Then again, why have surgery if it's not cancer? But we don't know for sure that it's not cancer! But it probably isn't! But what if it is? But what if it isn't and the doc can't do the operation the easy way and I have to stay in the hospital for three days and I get a hospital infection and I die? But what if I don't have the operation and it's really cancer and I've just let it get worse and worse and then I die?
Fuck it. At some point, you just have to trust that you're doing the right thing and the doctor knows what he's doing and you're not going to die.
Surgery is November 14. I have to rearrange my vacation days to account for it, so I'll be working the day after Thanksgiving and the week after Christmas after all.
And you know what? That's okay.