This will be the first Christmas without Mom, and it is making me sadder than I thought it would. I can't read any of my "Mother" entries without tearing up or downright crying, so I don't read them anymore.
Instead I focus on little things that make me happy: twinkling Christmas lights, the slanting sun illuminating the bare trees, a hot cup of coffee. I bake -- yesterday I made shortbread cookies and dipped them in white chocolate, yum! I sit on my ass without guilt. I watch a lot of hockey on TV and I play a lot of silly games online and it takes my mind off my melancholia.
There is talk of spending New Year's Eve in Ocean City. If I go -- it will depend on Joe's work schedule -- I will go down to the ocean at midnight and throw this year into the ocean, where it can sink to the bottom of the wide, dark sea.
And then I will look at the stars and breath the cold, clean ocean air and welcome in a fresh new year.