Alas, it wasn't playing until much later that day, so I headed to the multiplex to scope out the more popular cinematic offerings.
I toyed with the idea of Toy Story 3 until I realized that I would be sharing the theater with hordes of sticky children. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with hordes of sticky children; I just wasn't up for it.
After perusing the selections and times, I decided to take in...
Yes, the Vampire-Werewolf-Teen fest.
Now you have to understand that I have not read any of the Twilight books nor have I seen any of the movies. All that I know of Twilight is what I have read on various blogs or seen on the news. I do know that fans are mostly younger teen girls who identify as being on "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob." I asked a 12-year old friend of mine which team she was on, and she told me that she was Team Edward if she was reading the books and Team Jacob if she was watching the movies.
Hmm. I understood this after seeing the movie.
Anyway, I went to this movie knowing only that the plot revolved around Bella the Human Girl moving to Washington state and falling in lurve with both Edward the Vampire and Jacob the Werewolf. In the beginning of the movie, I discovered that there was a renegade sect of newly formed vampires led by a redhead vampire named Victoria. This sect was basically after Bella because of ... something. Evidently new vampires are much more bloodthirsty and strong, hence they had an advantage over Edward's clique, the Cullens (who, by the way, were all very good looking, if somewhat pasty). Oh, by the way, sunlight doesn't really bother these vampires; it just makes them sparkle. (Tween girls love the sparkle!)
The other big faction is the Werewolves. The Werewolves are all Native Americans; the men and boys are all totally ripped and never wear shirts (unless they are going to school, in which case they wear hoodies) regardless of the weather. They are all very friendly and play a lot, just like puppies! Imagine! When we first were treated to the sight of Shirtless Jacob, one girl in the audience hollered "YOW!" and I had to agree, although I felt a tiny bit dirty doing so. When they shift, they turn into huge wolves who grumble a lot.
Their animosity towards the Vampires goes back a long way, when they were savaged by a single 18th-century vampire with stringy hair and dark circles under his eyes, but a comely Werewolfian (or maybe not; I couldn't quite tell) woman distracted him from his carnage by cutting her arm, thus giving her people (wolves) enough time to get it together and pounce on the guy and de-arm and de-head him.
These vampires, unlike other vampires throughout the ages, break like dry branches, because the de-heading was bloodless and not the least bit gory. Then again, tween girls generally don't do gory. At any rate, the werewolf backstory fascinates Bella and a good thing too, as we shall see.
Edward (who wants to marry Bella so he can finally do her but is iffy on the whole turning her into a vampire thing) and Jacob (who seems to just want to do her) figure out that they have to work together to defeat the evil new vampires. So the two groups have meetings. The Cullens decide to form a truce with the Werewolves in order to defeat Victoria and the Bad New Vampires (which would be a good name for a rock band) and thus protect Bella, who is incapable of protecting herself.
In between all these negotiations, Bella switches off spending time with Edward ("I love you! Let's have sex!" "I love you! No! I'll hurt you!") and Jacob ("I don't love you!" "Yes, you do; you just won't admit it!" "Okay, maybe I do but I love Edward more!"). I kept thinking "SHUT UP!"
Oh, Bella's Mom and Dad were in the movie too. And she graduates from high school, at which point Edward is supposed to turn her into a vampire so that they can live -- or not -- happily ever after.
So the Evil Vampires finally make it to the town for the Big Battle. Edward spirits Bella away to a mountaintop hideout (it's a tent, for God's sake!), but she neglects to bring her jacket and has only her flannel shirt and knit hat, so naturally she gets pretty damn cold, especially since it starts snowing like crazy.
Here is where I learned that werewolves are impervious to weather. Even when shirtless in a snowstorm, Jacob never even shivered. Not even a goosebump! Of course, he may have had a goosebump (or something like a goosebump) when he climbed into a sleeping bag in a tent in said blizzard to keep Bella warm because Edward, being a vampire, couldn't. Instead he just stared daggers (or maybe fangs) at Jacob, who stared right back.
The warming must have worked, because the next morning Bella was just as chipper as she could be, even though she didn't have a coat and there was about a foot of snow on the ground.
Then the Big Battle ensued and the Vampwolves prevailed, almost. But Victoria got into the act with her new hottie minion (named Ryan, or Brian, or something) and it looked like curtains for Our Heroes, until Bella remembered the Ancient Werewolf Story! So she cut her arm to distract the RyanBrian and lo and behold, the Vampwolves de-armed and de-headed him and Victoria. Then the ancient Vampire observer clan -- the Vultoris, or Volares, or something -- showed up and looked pale and pronounced something.
Jacob got badly hurt, but was tended to by Edward's father or brother or something -- he was blond and from the Civil War -- and Bella accepted Edward's proposal of marriage but acknowledged that yes, she loves Jacob but he isn't right for her, Edward is, and The End.
Until the next installment.