I Wish It Were Not This Way

I visited Mom last Saturday. Everything was going great -- lunch at the local Mexican joint, a drive through the local neighborhood so that she could ogle the azaleas and dogwoods, a toenail-painting session when we got back to her place -- and then she made me tell her how much money she had.

It all went downhill from there, especially when I broached the subject of selling her house so that she could stay where she is.

She panicked. And I understand her panic. She was an adult during the Great Depression; she knows about being poor. She doesn't want to give up the home she's lived in for the last 30 years. That small townhouse is independence and life; the assisted living apartment is the slow march toward death. She's already given up so much -- quilting and needlepoint, hosting bridge parties, driving her car, managing her finances. She relies on us or someone else for practically everything.

I tried to get her to see the house as simply an asset, a source of funds to enable her to live comfortably where she is. And she did, a little, but then she'd fly off and try to find a way, any way at all, to leave assisted living and move home. She would live at the beach. She could have one of the "girls" who helped her now move in. I could sell my house and quit my job and move in with her!

All pipe dreams. None of it will work, because regardless of the solution, she has to have the money to pay for it, and the only way to get the money is to sell her house. She doesn't qualify for Medicaid -- which doesn't pay for assisted living in any case -- because she doesn't need skilled nursing care. She can't get a county waivers because that program is full. Rock, meet hard place. Time to sell the house.

My brother and sisters and I are getting together at a local Italian restaurant this weekend to go over the details and make a plan. Then we'll go see Mom and talk to her about it. It's going to a stressful meeting, I fear. It's such an emotional issue, but we really must try to take the emotion out of it, stick to the facts, and get going on preparing the place for sale.

Easy to say. Hard to do. Oh well.

Pass the wine.

Comments

[deb]

Oh sweetie that is a tough one. Hope she can see why it needs to happen. Good luck.

[LA]

Oh so hard! That stinks for everyone, Mom especially. Hope the meeting with the sibs goes well. ~LA

[Stephanie]

I'm sorry you have to deal with such an unpleasant situation. Good luck, Mary!

[l'empress]

I hear you! My husband is pretty much in the same boat as your mother, except he was never as interested in all the things she was. He still believes he can live alone, and after his last outburst, I let him try it for four days -- after which he *asked* for his pills.

I'm ready to give up my share of the house and just leave...but then who takes care of me?

[Candy]

Man, I feel for you on this one. I didn't have this problem, my parents died in the house they bought when they retired and weren't attached to it, and my mother-in-law was always an apartment dweller.

I can't imagine how hard it is to try to reason that it is the sensible thing to do, when you're facing so much emotion and so many memories.

Good luck, hon.

[Cosmic]

I know that a nursing home counts assets for two years after they are dosposed of, here in RI. I am thinking something. What if she sold the house and "gave" you kids the money. Then you buy a timeshare with it in your names. Of course, they will still count the money for two years, but you could then take mom to "her" place for two weeks out of the year. That too, would leave her some money left over. Just trying to help.