Red Nose

Leap Year Love List

Two of the three projects that I was stressing over are DONE and DONE! I love that. And I love lots of other things on this Leap Day:

• Salt. I am a saltaholic, and don't give me any crap about it. The meds control the blood pressure, thanks. Salt bagels are the best, pretzels are no good without salt, and a good steak requires a liberal dusting of the precious mineral. I should just install a salt lick outside my back door and fight the goddamn deer for it. Or bring it inside where I'll have it all to myself.
• The deals that my Caps made this week. Welcome to Washington Monsieur Huet, Mister Federov, and Mister Cooke. May you bring the boys into the playoffs!
• My fancy sneakers.
• The yoga mat bag that I'm using to carry my juggling clubs and juggling balls. They fit perfectly.
• Blankets.
• Clark Gable.
• Getting the all-clear from my dentist.
• Reading the funny papers in the morning over coffee.
• Coffee.
• A nice sandwich.
• The Congress of Jugglers, which starts tonight!
• Puns, no matter how bad. SonnyeBoy had a little run-in with a bullet on the firing range last week (he's fine, but his hand is sore) and we sent him a goody basket containing apples, pears, chocolates, cheese, crackers, but the centerpiece of this raft of goodies is a baked ham. Naturally, I hope that he doesn't go to hell in a ham basket.

Happy Leap Day!

Stress Is Overrated

I just realized that I didn't anoint the winner of the latest lyrics quiz from Monday's post. If you recall, the lyric was: Bzz, bzz, ouch!

Yep, it's a real lyric. I wasn't at all surprised that the lovely and talented Golfwidow got the title right; it's I'm Very Sensitive to Bees. The artist, I admit, was more challenging. It's Marzipan, a character from Homestar Runner. She sings it on a nifty little album called Strong Bad Sings. Strong Bad is another character from Homestar Runner. I love Strong Bad.

Almost as much as Jughead. (Hi Steph!)

So two pats on the head to Golfwidow!!

I'm feeling less stressed out today. Sometimes, when all else fails, I just accept the inevitable and let the stress go away. I'm close enough to the end of three big projects that I can practically taste it! I've been slogging along on one of them for almost a year. I spent three hours recording the audio for it yesterday. It has 116 slides -- talk about your death by PowerPoint! But at least there's some decent animation and a bit of interactivity in the thing, and folks can jump around to different sections, so if their eyes start to glaze over (and given the content, it wouldn't surprise me; loan workout plans are not exactly sexy) they can leap to a different topic.

At any rate, I realized after I finished sync-ing up the audio to the slides that I would rather take a couple of extra days and get them right and get them good instead of rushing them out and fixing them later. As luck would have it, my boss agreed. Bonus!

Of course, it didn't help my stress level yesterday to get a voicemail from my ex-sister-in-law telling me that she was visiting Mom, and Mom wanted me to pick up some more Depends and Immodium for her, because... well, the less said about the cause, the better. As I was listening to the message, I was grinding my teeth down to the gums, because ex-SIL was RIGHT THERE and she would have totally gone to CVS to do  it, but no! I am apparently the only person who is qualified to buy adult diapers and Immodium.

I called Mom back to make sure she was okay (she was) and to ask her why she didn't ask ex-SIL to get the stuff.

"Oh, I just couldn't do that."

I ground my teeth a little lower.

"Well, I'm really busy today. I have to work late and I'm meeting some folks for dinner, so I won't be able to bring them until early tomorrow morning."

"Well, then NEVER MIND."

I spit ground enamel out of my mouth and took a deep breath.

"No, I will do it. Did you ask the nurse for some Immodium?"

"Yes, she's supposed to bring me some, but she probably won't. And they gave me some spare pants, but I only have four and they might not last."

I took another deep breath, closed my eyes, and chewed on my tongue.

"I'm sure they will. I'll be there first thing in the morning."

"All right."

And I was -- at 7:30. Mom was already up and dressed and watching Matt Lauer. She was pale and tired looking, but delighted to see me with the swag. I put it away and gave her a kiss, and then apologized for being short with her.

"No, I'm sorry I bothered you."

Ow. That guilt knife hurts.

"You really could have asked ex-SIL, you know."

"Yes, I know that now. But yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to do it, somehow."

So I just gave her a kiss and headed to work, because she's so close to the edge of her life that I can't be mad at her for very long.

And just doing that one thing seemed to knock everything back into proportion, and today was better all the way around.

Crazy Eights

That gay chick over there thinks my answers to this Crazy Eights meme will be interesting. Okay then! I hope they're a little interesting at least. It's been a long, stressful, ridiculous day and I'm really pretty much wiped, so no guarantees.

Ready? Here we go.

8 Things I’m Passionate About

1. Joe -- in a really passionate sort of way
2. SonnyeBoy -- in a really mom sort of way
3. Feminism -- in a women's rights sort of way
4. Peace -- in a "war is hell" sort of way
5. Personal responsibility -- in a "choices have consequences" sort of way
6. Sleeping -- in an "I could use a lot of it" sort of way
7. Ice Cream -- in a favorite food sort of way
8. Coffee -- in an addicted sort of way, not a snobby sort of way. I'll drink any kind. Well, almost.

8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

1. Visit Ireland. Really visit, for a long time, and see everything, but not in a big tour group.
2. Ride the American Orient Express, because I love trains and train travel.
3. Stay at the Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite for their Christmas banquet, just because it looks so decadently wonderful and fun. Kind of like Medieval Times, only classy.
4. Visit Finland again -- in the summer this time!
5. Finish the sequel. Sometime before I die. Really.
6. Go on a cruise to Alaska. Or the Caribbean.
7. See the Capitals win the Stanley Cup.
8. Win the Powerball.

8 Things I Say Often

1. I'm sorry.
2. I love you.
3. Okay, Mom.
4. Really?
5. No shit!
6. Absolutely.
7. I'm tired.
8. Thanks.

8 Books I’ve Read Recently

1. Water for Elephants
2. Plum Lovin'
3. The Ghost Map
4. Listening Is An Act of Love
5. The Man with Two Left Feet
6. Wife for Hire
7. I Am America, and So Can You!
8. There's A Slight Chance I Might Be Going To Hell

8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over

1. Love and Mercy
2. Goin' Back to New Orleans
3. Let's Get It On
4. Fat Man in the Bathtub
5. I Will Not Be Broken
6. The Big Rock Candy Mountain
7. This Old Heart of Mine
8. Slow Turning

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends

1. I laugh when I'm with them.
2. They listen to me.
3. We agree on The Big Stuff.
4. We have way too much fun together.
5. It's like we were never apart.
6. Steak.
7. Dancing.
8. Hugs. Big, warm, enveloping, hugs.

No tags, because I do not tag. But if you want to do it, do it! And let me know so that I can read your Crazy Eights!

Ten Things About The Oscars

I watched every damn minute of the 80th Academy Awards last night. Given that I haven't seen any of the movies that were nominated for Best Picture and that I didn't participate in any Oscar pools this year, it's not surprising that I wasn't particularly invested in who won what. Nope -- it was the dresses and the people and the show that drew me in, so here are ten things about that stuff.

1. None of the critics like the montages, but I am a just a squishy little sucker for them. I liked all of them, even the bee one.
2. But really, Jerry Seinfeld, enough. Let it bee. (Bzz, bzz, ouch!*)
3. Tilda, honey, the corpse look is not flattering, especially when the pallor is emphasized by the black velvet lunch sack. I did think the acid-trip acceptance speech was amusing, though.
4. George Clooney, The Rock, and Patrick Dempsey: Yum, yum, and yum.
5. Jennifer, when your tits reach the podium ten minutes before you do, it's time to reconsider the dress.
6. Helen Mirren is my idol. Ruby Dee is too.
7. I loved all the songs -- yes, even the ones from Enchanted -- but I was thrilled when Falling Slowly won. I was even more thrilled when Jon Stewart insisted that Marketa Irglova have a chance to do her acceptance speech. And Glen Hansard has a swell brogue.
8. Jon Stewart, sweetheart, this wasn't your best appearance, but that's okay. Bob Hope's still a tough act to follow.
9. As a gal who generally loves long hair on men, I must admit that I wanted to grab Daniel Day-Lewis and Colin Farrell and slap them both in a barber chair. But there are limits -- what was with the Ken doll flocking hair on John Travolta?
10. Thank you and good night!

---

*Two pats on the head to the first person who can identify the song that contains this lyric. Bonus pat for the "artist."

Renegade Apostrophe II

I saw this sign on a bulletin board at a middle school. If a teacher created it, I weep for the profession. If a student created it, where the hell was the teacher?

I won't get into the lack of a comma after the introductory phrase or the misuse of the ellipsis. I hope the cartoons are better than the grammar.

It makes me cranky to see the noble apostrophe so mistreated, creating possessives when plurals are meant. Perhaps the Cartooning Club meets at Wednesday's house. No, the Cartooning Club meets in Room 315; it says so.

Some may say I'm too nit-picky. I disagree. It's a slippery slope, my friends. First, a renegade apostrophe; next, a rebellious semicolon -- pretty soon the subjects and verbs are disagreeing and the clauses are declaring independence. Exclamation points will run amok!!!!! Interjections will jump in where they're not wanted, and God knows what will happen with the ejaculations. Question marks will get turned on their heads -- no, wait; that's Spanish. Never mind.

I Heart Stress Tests

First, the nurse opened up a nice porthole into my arm for easy injection of the nuclear imaging agent radioactive isotope glowy stuff.

Then she cleaned off the spots where the heart doohickeys went, even sanding my skin to ensure a nice seal. Finally, she hooked me up to the heart monitor. I've been wired before, but not like this.

The monitor immediately began spitting out EKGs.

The doc came in, along with the tech, and I got on the treadmill, ready to stress out. I did not find the poster in front of the treadmill to be inspirational.

The actual test really didn't take all that long. I admit that I got a little cranky with the doc when he turned it up to the highest speed. I started to jog, see, and the doc said, "No, no -- still a walk," and I said, "Yeah, right," but I quit jogging and walked. Fast. I did get winded. My blood pressure peaked at 156/80. The tech injected the stuff just as I started the last leg -- or maybe it was when I was on my last leg.

Finally, I got to lie down on the imaging machine again.

The imaging process started. Naturally, about halfway through I had to cough. I tried swallowing, breathing shallowly, breathing deeply, visualizing lush green fields and babbling brooks, to no avail. I coughed a few times, but it didn't affect the outcome.

Which is that I have a very healthy heart. There are no blocked arteries -- whew -- and my actual heart muscle is very strong. It rates an 80, where 50 is normal.

As the doctor said, I'm super-normal!

So I celebrated with toasted salt bagel with cream cheese and a medium black coffee.

Because I run on Dunkin.

---

Congrats, Sarah! Pat, pat, pat. Y'all be sure to check out the link Sarah left in the comments from yesterday, because if you don't know about Tom Lehrer, you should!

Radioactive

I had the first part of my cardiac stress test today.

Oh, did I forget to talk about the cardiac stress test? Yeah, I'm having one. I've been having some pain in the chestal area, so I figured it might be a good idea to tell my doc. He did an EKG (normal), and listened to my symptoms (odd), and looked at my cholesterol (135! I rule!) and is 90% sure it's not my heart. But evidently docs are always missing heart disease in women because we have different symptoms than men -- gee, imagine that -- so he referred me to a cardiologist. He also did an EKG, which was normal, and listened to my symptoms, and is 90% sure it's not my heart. But because...

Anyway, he wants to do a cardiac stress test, and so I am.

This part is the "resting" part, so I got injected with some thallium (And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium!*), and went to visit Joe at the smoke shop for 45 minutes. Then I went back to the doc's office, hung up my coat, and sat down.

The joint was full of old folks. One old gal stared at me and said to her husband, "That woman didn't sign in!" I smiled -- it's exactly the kind of thing Mom would say. Two seconds later, the technician called for me. As I went back, this same old gal said, "That's always the way -- last in, first called!" I was tempted to say something; maybe "They just don't like you very much" or "They always save the loud people for last" but I didn't.

I lay on a moveable table with pillows under my head and knees and my hands over my head while the magical machine spun around and took images of my glowing circulatory system.

Tomorrow I'll go back, only this time I'll walk on a treadmill until I'm ready to drop, then I'll get injected again, wait 45 minutes, and get another round of images. If I do have ticker troubles, the images will show just how blocked up my arteries are.

The worst part of this whole deal is that I can't have any caffeine for 24 hours before the test, meaning my last cup of coffee was at 9:00 this morning. I will driving directly to Starbucks as soon as this thing is over and getting myself a doppio.

Meanwhile, I'm radioactive. Beware.

---

*Two pats on the head to the first person who can tell me the song containing this line; an extra pat for the artist!

Sitting On My Ass

I have the day off today, thanks to Presidents Washington and Lincoln, and I am using this time to sit on my ass. The house is a wreck, the tub is inches away from growing new life forms, and my car's hood doesn't latch completely so I have tied it down with a shoelace.

And yet, I am sitting on my ass.

I have not been completely lazy, though. I did SonnyeBoy's taxes for him and I got the beautiful silver watch that Joe gave me for Christmas sized to fit. Later on, a mechanic is coming to give Mom's car the once-over for a potential buyer. I can tell him right now: dead battery, needs brakes, but only 52,000 miles on a '92 Corolla. Five hundred bucks and it's yours, as is.

Until then, though, my ass and the couch have a date.

Actually, I sat on my ass a lot yesterday too. Joe went off for a Grand Day Out. I turned on the TV and watched The Sting. Then, lo and behold, Friday Night Lights (the movie) came on. After that, my goodness, Terminator 2 started up. And whad'ya know, just as Our Heroes were getting ready to blow up Cyberdyne Systems, Pride and Prejudice (the one with my boy Colin Firth) came on.

Today? Oh my friends! Law and Order marathon!

Good thing I have my Whitman's Sampler close by.

Another Long Weekend Love List

The day started early -- an 8:00 meeting, f'cryin' out loud -- so I'm winding down the day and getting ready to head into the sunset and a three-day weekend (thanks, presidents!). I love three-day weekends, and I also love the Friday love list:

• My new windshield miracle wipers -- the combination of Rainx windshield treatment and the Rainx wipers make for a clear, clear view of the road no matter the weather. I will now officially shut. up. about the Rainx.
• Pulled pork with Mojo Mild sauce.
• Fage yogurt with honey. I tried this for the first time today, and Oh Holy Dear Sweet Jesus it was good. Then I perused the nutrition information and know why. Glorious, glorious whole milk. And honey.
• Warmth.
• My new sneakers. They make my feet want to walk.
• The pretty deep pink rose on my desk. The guys in my group handed out roses to all the women in the department yesterday. Nice work, fellas!
• My iPod.
• Baked beans.
• Chocolate-covered almonds.
• The fact that I scored tickets to the new version of The Scottish Play at the Folger Shakespeare Library. Teller co-directed and it's got special magic effects, so it's sure to be surprising and bloody and wonderful.
• My haircut, mostly.
• The mild weather today.
• The new Asian restaurant across the street from my office.
• Easy, postage-paid returns.
• Bonuses.
• A nice big tax refund.
• The laid back acoustic version of "Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin that Joe has on his iPod. It will soon be on my iPod.
• Richard Zednick, for getting up and skating to the bench after getting his carotid artery sliced by a skate blade! I mean, the dude lost 5 pints of blood -- and there's only 8 to a customer. Get well soon, Zed.
• Winning the Evil level of Snood.
• Colin Firth as Mr. D'Arcy.
• Funny Valentines.

What do you love this week?

In Spite of Ourselves

In spite of ourselves, we'll end up sittin' on a rainbow!
Against all odds, honey, we're the big door prize.
We'll gonna spite the noses right off of our faces,
Won't be nothin' but big ol' hearts a-dancin' in our eyes.
                                                          -John Prine

This is the 29th Valentine's Day that I've celebrated with Joe, and that verse sums it up quite nicely.

Early this morning, I grabbed the card I had bought for him. I bought it quite a while ago during one of my card quests at the local CVS; it caught my eye as being pretty much perfect for Joe, except it said "Happy Birthday" instead of "Happy Valentine's Day" on it.

This did not deter me, for I am a member of the scrapbook cult. Sure enough, a bright red heart sticker covered up the incorrect affirmation nicely. A quick "I love you!" and I was ready.

And Joe was, of course, way ahead of me, because I found a lovely package and card on the kitchen table when I went downstairs to fix the coffee.

It was my traditional Valentine's gift -- the best gift of all, the ne plus ultra of Valentine's gifts -- the Whitman's Sampler!

Oh, come on now. Whitman's Sampler is great, especially because it has a built-in Map of the Chocolates built right in.

In three languages!!

What's not to like? Really, who doesn't like a nice Messenger Boy now and then? (Don't answer that.)

In any case, it's been a lovely day. We both had great days at work, and we finally got to our favorite barbeque joint for dinner, and we have nice chocky bits on which to nibble away the evening.

When we're not nibbling on each other, that is.