Red Nose

Fireflies Rising

Driving home from Mamma Lucia's Italian restaurant tonight, we passed one of last open fields in this part of the county. It was almost full dark, a fingernail moon glowing in the dark blue sky, the humidity hanging almost visibly in the air, still hot even at nine o'clock.

Rising from the long grass in the field were hundreds of lightning bugs, pricking the darkness with pinpoints of light.

The sight brought back a vivid memory. When I was a teenager, I woke up in the middle of a hot, summer night. I noticed a strange light outside my window and sat up to take a look. There was a full moon filling the backyard with pale light, but the lightning bugs -- thousands of them in those days -- sparkled in the night. The yard was alive and awake with the night creatures. I remember writing in my diary about it; I even remember the first line: It's a very light night.

We kids used to punch holes in the lids of jelly jars. Then, in the early evening, we roamed around the backyard (we had almost an acre -- a large yard for our neighborhood) and caught lightning bugs in the jars.  We 'd have contests to see who could catch the most, thinking that we were creating our own natural lanterns. It never quite worked out that way; in fact, my Mom generally made us release all of the lightning bugs before we went in for baths and bed. Not that she had any great love of the critters; she just didn't want jelly jars full of dead bugs in the house.

Ah well. You just don't see that many lightning bugs anymore -- at least not around here. So it was a quiet pleasure to see them lighting up the field as they rose for their evening flight.

And so to bed.

Friday's Feast

It's Friday; how about doing Friday's Feast? Okay!

Appetizer
What's the funniest dream you can remember having?

Hmm. Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar? Most of mine are funny peculiar, in that they involve me getting stuck in very odd circumstances. In these dreams, I generally end up thinking "This must be a dream" -- and then I wake up and have to pee.

Soup
If you were a dog, what breed would you be, and why?

Oh, I would be a cat. Well, all right, if I must be dog, I would be a beagle, because I like beagles. They're cute, intelligent, and a decent size for a dog. Or maybe I would be Luther, the smilingest dog in the world.

Salad
Continue this sentence: "I get confused when..."

...my checkbook doesn't balance properly. Dammit, I know I entered that ATM withdrawal!

Main Course
Name two things that need to be done, but you are procrastinating in completing.

I was going to mention the two work projects that have been hanging over my head, but... I did them. Go me. So! Instead, I will say: answer Lulu.com forum questions, which is an ongoing project, and finish entering the sequel edits. And then! Edit it again. For I have no doubt that there be typos there.

Dessert
When was the last time you tried something new, and what was it?

A couple of weeks ago the Juggling Coach from Hell taught me how to start passing with four clubs. And to start juggling with two clubs in my left hand (normally I start with two in my right hand), which is hard. Honest.

What I'm Watching Tonight After Spending Yesterday in Chicago

I spent yesterday in Chicago at a meeting.

Yeah. Flew out of Baltimore yesterday morning, walked the obligatory five miles in O'Hare plus the additional 5,000 miles to the CTA station, took the CTA into the Loop, walked eight blocks in the rain, attended the meeting, walked five blocks back to the station, took the CTA back to O'Hare, walked the 5,005 miles to my gate, pondered, ate a salad in the food court, read a lot, and flew home.

You know, there really should be mileage signs in that airport. It would make it so much easier to decide what form of ground transportation to take. It's not that I'm afraid of walking long distances; I just would rather not. I've already resigned myself to the fact that regardless of which United concourse my plane pulls into, I'm going to have to go through the Tunnel of Flashing Neon Lights and People Who Stand On The Moving Sidewalk And Spread Their Crap All The Way Across It. So I know that there will be much walking involved.

But.

It would have been nice to know that the CTA station was 5,000 miles away from Concourse C. I would haver seriously considered taking cab and lopping off several thousand miles of walking, eight blocks of which was in the rain.

And you may have noticed that I stated that the walk to the office was eight blocks, but the walk back was five. Well, that's because I'm not all that familiar with the Loop area. So of course I walked in the wrong direction a couple of times, but never more than a block, for I ask directions.

But I digress.

So I'm wiped tonight and spent the evening watching a strange variety of TV shows. At least it seems to me that it was a strange variety, at least when taken in the aggregate. Singly, none of these shows is that bizarre (well, except for maybe that one you think is weird), but taken together, it appears odd -- or maybe eclectic -- to me.

So here's what I watched tonight:

1. The World Series of Pop Culture. This is an interesting quiz show on pop culture trivia, pitting teams against each other to answer various questions asked by a straight-faced and humorless host. I did pretty well on them; I got about 80%.
2. Miami Ink. I'm fascinated with tattoos, but I'm more fascinated with the tattoo artists. Some of these guys are splendid artists, especially the ones who draw the tattoo freehand onto the skin rather than using a stencil. Tonight one of the dudes tattooed the Andy Warhol Marilyn (the pink version) onto a young woman's back. It was quite amazing.
3. America's Ballroom Challenge. Ah, ballroom dancing! Beautiful men and women wearing too much makeup and hair slickum. I love watching ballroom dancing. The women's costumes have the most amazing hidden infrastructure! Tonight's dancing was hosted by Marilu Henner and Tony Meredith, but I must admit that I preferred Juliet Prowse and Ron Montez.
4. Friends reruns. Well, sure. Probably the most mainstream of the three, but Mind of Mencia is just not that funny to me. Some of his bits are hysterical, but overall... nah. Animal Cops just makes me want to spit nails and beat people. Friends is always reliable.

Now, though, I shall have to close, for I must commune with my second husband.

And Don't Forget the Horribly Repetitive, Overly Amplified Bass Drum Solo

I've been having a lot of trouble with my knee lately -- a deep, constant aching. It's not horrible pain and doesn't interfere with my walking, but it hurts enough to be on my mind all the time.

After three weeks of putting up with it, I went to the doctor (a miracle!). He poked and prodded and bent and unbent and measured and observed and decided it could be either:

• a tear in the meniscus, or
• Lyme disease.

Oh, goody. Since the best way to rule out (or rule in, I suppose) the Tear-In-The-Meniscus possibility is an MRI, I had one of those yesterday.

What fun!

At least it was at an open MRI center, so I didn't have to be inside a tube. In fact, since it was my knee, I didn't have to go all the way into the device. But I had to hold still anyway, so I made sure to pee before I went back, then I settled in on the table, got comfy, and solved for wedgy. The technician made sure my leg was appropriately strapped into the knee-holder, put a lovely cushion under my other knee, and gave me tips about the noisiness, when I could shift around, all that type of thing.

I closed my eyes and went to my happy place as bed slid forward...

I never knew there were so many different percussive MRI noises. I used the half-hour to classify them, because I am weird that way.

There was the background fetal heartbeat noise of the machine itself. There was the reasonably soft Walking-In-Wooden-Shoes clatter that started each segment of MRI-ing. Then there was the Variable Pitch Jackhammers, the Emergency Broadcast Blare, the Insane Clog Dancing, the Knocking On Count Dracula's Door, and the Robotic Farting.

The only time I was really uncomfortable and thought about squeezing the Quick Rescue Me for I'm Going Nuts rubber bulb was when I caught I tickle in my throat and really, really, really wanted to cough. But I breathed through my nose and talked myself through it, until the pause in the Incessant Pounding of A Variety of Noises occurred. I hurriedly coughed twice.

Then I got an itch. But that was okay; I focused on the Harmonic Wrecking Ball of Doom noise and it went away.

And then my left hand fell asleep and started tingling. But two seconds after I processed that thought, the noise ceased, the tech announced that I was done, and the bed slid backward out of the maw.

I have the films, but just about all I can say is that yes, that's clearly a knee joint. Joe looked at them, but couldn't discern any tears, so now I wait for the doc to call, probably to say...

Everything's normal. Time for a Lyme Disease blood test.

Yippee.

The Plot Sickens

Previously on The Saga of the Unpaid Electric Bill...

Your intrepid heroine gets the shocking (heh) news that the juice is about to dry up, navigates the dangerous voice mail maze, extends the due date for great turning off of the electricity, registers on the Electric Company web site, and valiantly attempts to sign up for online bill payment.

Right? Right. Okay then.

I thought I'd try to sign up for online bill payment one more time, this time from home, where I actually had the last official bill.

Ah, that was the key! I'd gotten the amount wrong, since the latest bill included the unpaid balance plus the billing for this month.

So now I'm all signed up for online bill payment. I can now pay online, thus not incurring the telephone bill payment fee. I'm all about avoiding the fees.

But first! (Abrupt shift to present tense...)

Perhaps I'd best check -- one more time -- to see if perhaps the old check has cleared. I certainly don't want to pay more than what I owe. So, over to the bank site I go.

Nope -- check's still outstanding. Hmm. I know! I will stop payment on the check! After all, I get free stop payments, so it seems a good way to go. Then I can pay the entire amount due online, taking care of the unpaid bill and this month's bill.

I am so smart.

Click, select, click -- Are you sure? -- Of course I'm sure! -- click, done!

Whew. Back to Electric Company website. Click "Pay Bill" -- I mean, why go through "Manage My Account" when I can go directly to "Pay Bill"?

Click, enter amount, authorize -- Click only once! -- done. Okay, let's check the account to make sure the payment went through. Click.

WHAT?! Oh. My. God.

They got the check. They got the check. They. Got. The fucking. CHECK!

That I've now stopped payment on.

Oh well. The account's paid, in oh-so-many ways.

Stay tuned.

(Mis)Adventures in Customer Service

Well.

I started the day by casually opening the mail from the electric company that's been sitting on the kitchen table for three days only to find that what I thought was going to be a routine budget billing advertisement was, in actuality, a Turn-Off Notice.

As in, we are turning off your electricity because you have not paid your bill.

Gave me quite a turn, it did, because, dammit, I paid the goddamn bill.

Luckily, my bank statement was in the same pile of benignly neglected mail, so I ripped that open. I was all set to find the cancelled check and commence breathing once again.

Alas.

Next stop, Quicken. I mean, I thought I paid the bill. I was sure I paid the bill. But... but... maybe I just imagined that I paid the bill! Okay, whew. There it is, check number 1234E6, mailed June 24, right in between the check to the lawn magicians and the cable company. Onward to the bank's web site. Seach for check number 1234E6.

Alas.

The check, it has not been cashed. The bill, it has not been paid.

So I quickly looked to see if the other checks I wrote in that batch had been paid.

Why, yes, indeed they had.

Which means that the electric company check probably got lost in the vast maw that is the US Postal Service.

Hmm. Okay, easy enough to fix. I will get on the phone and talk to a Friendly Customer Service person at the electric company, explain the situation, and maybe ask if they could check to see if they'd received the check but had not yet processed it. If they hadn't received it, I'd go ahead and pay the bill using my debit card. Then I'd stop payment on the check, just to cover my ass (and the checking account balance).

Except.

There are apparently no human beings working for the electric company. At least, I couldn't find any. I even tried to short-circuit the automagic menu by pressing 0, but Robot Voice didn't understand it.

Well, here; listen for yourself. (Turn up your speakers -- and listen to the very very end!!)

Did you hear any option that might connect me with a person? I thought not. So, wrongly deducing that Option 1 -- You Have Received A Turn-Off Notice And Would Like To Extend The Due Date -- might actually get me to a living person, I pressed 1. Well, come on! I thought the electric company might make a deadbeat who's facing electricity shutoff grovel, at least a little.

Alas.

Mostly.

I mean, I still didn't get a person, but I did get the deadline extended. I had to put in my account number, and then It (the Robot Voice, the Automagic Deadbeat Enforcement System, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz... who the hell knows?) just went away and mulled things over and then extended the payment deadline by a week.

So I guess it's not all bad. I know! I'll see if I can pay online at their web site.

Yay! You can pay online! Great! I'll just register on the company website. Let's see...

Name, check. User id, check. Password, check and... check. Email address, check and... check. Submit.

Ah. They sent me an email. Cool. Check email... click link. Yay! I'm activated! Click Manage My Account. Click Add Account. Okay. Seems a little too... never mind. Just add account. Account number... amount of one of my last three bills!??! Well, if you insist... last four digits of phone number... last four digits of Social Security Number... Submit!

Error. This account number has been assigned to another user id.

Huh?

I tried three more times. No dice. But at least they have a customer service number I can call.

Oh God.

They Call The Big One "Bitey"

I drive by the headquarters for Discovery Communications every day -- this week, I noticed that something new has been added. I saw the tail fin first, then the side fins, and sure enough, there was Mr. Bitey's scary head sticking out of the back of the building.

Sure enough -- Shark Week is coming up on the Discovery Channel, so what better way to advertise it than to have a big old great white shark swim through the building?

It Sucks, But!

You know, I can really do without these goddamn menopausal mood swings. I mean, I had a rather productive day, all things considered. But on the way home I descended into a funk -- which I am totally pinning on menopause despite my regimen of horse pee hormones -- that started when I dropped a nickel down the elevator shaft in the garage and lasted until I finally broke through the traffic jams and Louis Jordan's Knock Me A Kiss came on the iPod just as I turned onto my street.

So... where was I going with this?

Oh right! I more or less kept myself from succumbing completely to the mood by playing "It Sucks, But.." To wit:

Sucks: It's about 11,000 degrees outside with humidity to match.
But! It will only last a few days, at least this time, and it's hotter in Texas.

Sucks: Route 29 was clogged up all the way to the 16th Street circle.
But! I noticed the backup just in time to bail onto my preferred alternate route.

Sucks: The reason that Route 29 was clogged was because the traffic lights were out! Damn, damn, damn!
But! There was a cop directing traffic, so it wasn't too bad. And man, seeing that poor guy directing traffic in this heat made me feel grateful for my car's kickass air conditioning.

Sucks: Traffic through Four Corners and Burnt Mills was bumper to bumper for no earthly reason.
But! It broke free right at White Oak and stayed flowing the rest of the way home.

And thank goodness for my iPod. I put it on Shuffle and skipped every song I didn't want to hear just then. The ones I did listen to all made me feel better: Have You Seen the Stars Tonight? by the Jefferson Airplane and Through Your Hands by John Hiatt remind that possibilities always exist, Jessica by the Allman Brothers Band and Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye just make me happy (if Marvin can't make you feel better, no one can), Take Five by Dave Brubeck is just... just... just about the most perfect jazz tune in the history of jazz, Why Can't I Forget About You by The subdudes (What? You don't know about the subdudes??) and I Can't Help Myself by the Four Tops are infectious even if the lyrics are about bad love affairs, and finally -- Knock Me A Kiss made me look forward to getting home.

And that, my friends, may just be one of the longest sentences ever.

Road Werk

I hope their road-building skills are better than their spelling skills.

Yesterday I Talked to The Money Cops

Yesterday I gave a presentation to a group of folks from the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network. In case you don't feel like following the link, the network is an agency of the Treasury Department that combats crimes like money laundering and terrorist financing. Pretty heavy stuff, eh? And I, the former circus clown, got to tell them about teamwork.

Yes!

It was so. cool. And I don't use random periods lightly, so please believe me when I say it really was. so. cool.

See, I'm listed in a speaker's bureau, set up for the DC chapter of STC. My boy Josh (Hi Josh!) was perusing the bureau, looking for possible speakers when he found my name next to a presentation called "Building Terrific Teams", a presentation I gave many long years ago for the Metro Baltimore chapter.

So he emailed me with an inquiry. And let me tell you, it's an interesting phenomenon to get a note from the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network. I mean, just how many checks do you have to bounce to get email from the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network anyway??

I felt a lot better when I actually read the email, so I emailed him back.

And we emailed some more, and then we talked on the phone (Imagine! On the phone!), and then we sealed the deal. The event is an annual one at FinCEN (look at me, all up in the FinCEN house); yesterday was the sixth.

Josh already had a great idea for a title: "But I hate teams!" I took the basic idea and ran with it. I came up with a couple of activities for the group that let 'em get comfortable, and then I backed up the results with my talk. Thank God for Google. I'm just sayin'.

And, of course, I rehearsed it in my head -- and in my dreams -- a zillion times.

Okay, maybe not a zillion.

I was nervous, but I'm always kind of glad when I get nervous before I present -- it means I'm alert and into it. I get especially nervous the first time I do a presentation and I'm trying things I've never tried before. But everything worked out, in spite of a few tiny technical glitches, such as slides with minds of their own. Nothing horrifying; nothing that threw me completely for a loop -- after all, that's why you have a copy of the slides on the podium with you. The group laughed at my jokes, participated enthusiastically, and I was able to tie their responses right back into my speech. Whew! It's always nice when it works out like that.

And, of course, having the circus stories helps.